


Timelines

by RensSaxophone



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:28:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 29,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23047783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RensSaxophone/pseuds/RensSaxophone
Summary: Warning; Suicidal Ideation mentions in multiple chapters
Relationships: Ichinose Tokiya/Jinguuji Ren
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicotine - Panic! At the Disco

_**Cross my heart and hope to die** _  
_**Burn my lungs and curse my eyes** _  
_**I’ve lost control and I don’t want it back** _  
_**I’m going numb, I’ve been hijacked** _  
_**It’s a fucking drag** _

Tokiya and Ren had been together since they had been in high school. The relationship certainly had its ups and downs, but Tokiya loved Ren.

It was borderline obsession, Tokiya would admit, but he also couldn’t say that he minded. 

When Tokiya was with Ren, he felt intoxicated. When he wasn’t with Ren, he often found himself thinking about him. Everything about Ren was enticing to Tokiya, and Tokiya was maybe even a bit over reliant on Ren. Tokiya knew, in a way, that what he was doing wasn’t _right_. That Tokiya’s problem was giving too much of himself to Ren, and that Ren’s problem was letting him. Tokiya hardly even realized that it was wrong anymore- and it was far too easy to let himself forget. 

They were high school sweethearts, after all. Tokiya hadn’t had a relationship before Ren, and he wasn’t sure that he wanted a relationship after Ren. Just the thought of “after Ren” was enough to make Tokiya frown. Ren was all Tokiya had known, romantically. 

They even worked together. They were in the same band- and they spent most of their free time and work time together. Tokiya had been there for Ren through all of his family issues, and through all of his issues with Masato. 

Tokiya was far more closed off with his own problems than Ren was with him- because Tokiya was too concerned about pushing Ren away with all of his own issues. 

It wasn’t quite the equal partnership that a relationship should be- but Tokiya was more than happy to turn a blind eye to it. 

_**I taste you on my lips and I can’t get rid of you** _  
_**So I say damn your kiss and the awful things you do** _  
_**You’re worse than nicotine** _

Tokiya would have never guessed that he would be the one to start the decline in the relationship. 

“We aren’t healthy, my love.” Ren would say, a sad expression on his face. “We need to _speak_ to each other. Communication, my darling.” 

“We were fine, when we were kids.” Tokiya would say quietly. Ren’s eyebrows would furrow. 

“That’s not a good example.” Ren’s smile is sad, and dry. “I wasn’t a good influence at all when I was younger. I’d like to say that I’m moving forward- and that’s all thanks to you, Toki. I want to help you in return. I want to move forward _with you_.” 

Ren would move forward, but when Tokiya turns his head, Ren’s kiss would land on Tokiya’s cheek. Ren wouldn’t try to kiss him again. 

Tokiya couldn’t let him- because Ren may have managed to make him listen. Ren’s influence on Tokiya was astounding, but Tokiya wasn’t willing to let Ren convince him. Tokiya wasn’t _wrong_ , and he wouldn’t let Ren convince him that he was. Their relationship worked _because_ Ren was improving more than Tokiya. Because Tokiya kept his mouth closed about all of his own thoughts and issues, and solely focused on Ren. 

Tokiya was happy when he was with Ren.

Ren’s problem was that he had seen Tokiya away from Ren. 

When Tokiya _wasn’t_ happy. 

“I don’t think you like how things are, Toki.” Ren would say, his voice quiet. “I think you’re just afraid that we’re going to lose what _is_ going right if we scrap what isn’t.”

Tokiya would have stayed quiet. 

_**It’s better to burn than to fade away** _  
_**It’s better to leave than to be replaced** _  
_**I’m losing to you, baby, I’m no match** _  
_**I’m going numb, I’ve been hijacked** _

Tokiya would have begun to distance himself from Ren, after their conversation had fallen flat. Tokiya would have kept his head up, using his pride as a shield. 

He never missed Ren’s helpless looks, or his poorly hidden frustration. 

Tokiya loved Ren. 

Ren’s words often echoed through Tokiya’s head- 

_We aren’t healthy, my love._

Ren was right, but Tokiya was wondering in what way. 

Ren felt like a drug- but the longer Tokiya thought about it, the less he felt that _Ren_ was the drug in the relationship. He wasn’t good for Ren. He knew that he wasn’t good for Ren. 

Tokiya had helped Ren to become a better person, but Tokiya’s static nature was only holding Ren back. Tokiya had thought that he was holding onto Ren, but he thinks that Ren may have been holding onto _him_. 

If anyone was a drug- it was Tokiya. 

Tokiya was the bad in the relationship that Ren had said they needed to scrap, and perhaps Tokiya had known this. Maybe that’s why he had gotten so scared when Ren had brought it up. Because Tokiya didn’t think that he was capable of change. 

Tokiya knew that he couldn’t sit on his uncertainty forever. If uncertainty was even the word for it. 

Tokiya knew what he should do- and that was to let Ren go. Ren and Tokiya were good together for a long time, but Tokiya was being selfish. He may have been happy with Ren- but there was always conflict behind Ren’s expression when he’d look at Tokiya. Until Tokiya could move forward, that conflict would never leave. 

Tokiya had no right to hold Ren back any further. The last thing Tokiya could do for himself was to talk to Ren about it now- before Ren gave up on him. 

The least Tokiya could do is explain himself, and leave Ren with some sort of dignity. It would hurt Ren, and it would crush Tokiya- but what do you do, when you’re addicted? 

You detox.

_**Just one more hit and then we’re through** _  
_**’Cause you could never love me back** _  
_**Cut every tie I have to you** _  
_**’Cause your love’s a fucking drag** _  
_**But I need it so bad** _

The night after Tokiya had decided, he would have met Ren in their shared apartment and would have wrapped his arms around Ren’s waist, resting his head on Ren’s back. 

“I love you.” Tokiya sounds miserable. He can’t help it. He can already feel his eyes burning with tears.

Tokiya felt like he needed Ren. Ren was the only real stable thing in his life, and it hurt to cut Ren out of it. 

“Please don’t say it back.” Tokiya’s voice would break as he’d cut Ren off. When Ren speaks, his voice is quiet. 

“This isn’t going to end with us making up, is it?”

“I’m afraid that it’s not.”

“Are you sure about this, Toki?” Ren’s voice is pained. “We could figure something else out. I don’t want you to leave me.”

“We aren’t healthy, my love.” Tokiya’s voice is sad. “You’re moving forward, and I can’t. I need you to leave me behind, before you begin taking steps backwards, too.”

Ren would have winced when Tokiya had quoted him. 

Tokiya would have continued. “I want you to find something or someone that makes you truly happy. I’ve done all I can for you, darling, and now all I’m doing is hurting you, and I can’t watch that. This hurts me, Ren- but I need to let go now, before we both get into this even deeper. Turn towards me darling.” Tokiya would let go of Ren, and Ren would take a second to turn, but he would, and his expression would break Tokiya’s heart. Tokiya’s hand would move to Ren’s face, cradling his cheek. Tokiya would give a sad smile. “This is going to be for the best. I’m sure you don’t believe me. I don’t feel like it is, either- but we should.”

“I don’t know that I agree with that.” Ren can’t manage anything above a frown. It hurts, when Tokiya sees that Ren’s eyes are shiny. “But I know I can’t change your mind. Is there really nothing that we could do, to save us?”

“I don’t think there is.” Tokiya would slowly pull his hand away from Ren’s face. “I would stay, for tonight, but I’m not sure that I’m right to do that.”

Ren would reach forward, holding onto Tokiya. “Please. Stay.”

Tokiya would let Ren pull him forward, closing his eyes as Ren would hold Tokiya to his chest. “Just for tonight.” It’s a painful reminder. 

“Just for tonight.” Ren’s voice is empty. 

True to Tokiya’s word, the next day, they would have split off. Tokiya would have stayed with Otoya for some time, while he had gotten his own apartment set up. Ren would have let Tokiya stay, but Tokiya couldn’t bring himself to, and Otoya had an extra room. 

Ren and Tokiya had remained formal, on Tokiya’s end, and even friendly on Ren’s. Tokiya couldn’t look at Ren without wanting to beg him to take Tokiya back. And when Ren would have finally found himself with someone, long after their idol days had ended, Tokiya would have congratulated him. 

They would have been sat together, out for a drink. Ren wouldn’t have actually ordered anything alcoholic, but Tokiya would have ordered something strong. There’s a sad, knowing look in Ren’s eyes. 

“Are you happy, Ren?” This wouldn’t have come in until nearly the end of their conversation. 

“I am.” Ren would say softly. “Are you?”

Tokiya would give a dry, humorless smile. “You know that answer, Ren.”

“I’m afraid that I do.”

Tokiya’s one and only partner had been Ren. It would only ever be Ren. But Ren was married. 

Tokiya hadn’t gone to their wedding, but now, sitting across the small table from Ren, he saw the golden band on Ren’s left ring finger. 

Tokiya wishes he had done things differently. He wanted to go back, and to tell himself that he should have tried to work it out with Ren. That his own damned pride was what would keep him miserable for as long as he lived. 

Because it wasn’t only losing Ren that had ruined him, though that was a large part of it- it was his inability to change. His inability to figure out who he even was, and he had lived the rest of his life trying to be someone he wasn’t, because he didn’t know who he was supposed to be. 

Tokiya had picked up smoking. And that’s where he was now, sitting on the edge of the rooftop of his apartment building after Ren, who was entirely sober, had insisted on driving him to. Ren had offered to walk him inside, to make sure he got into bed safe, but Tokiya had refused. 

“It was… nice to see you again, Ren. I’m glad to hear you’ve got it figured out.”

“You can reach out to me anytime, Toki.” Ren just seemed concerned, and it would only worsen when Tokiya would give him a dry smile. 

“We’ll see.”

Tokiya lived in a nice place. He didn’t have the penthouse suite, but there was one. Right now, he was at least twenty stories up. He only lived on the twelfth floor, and he rarely came up to the roof. He was there alone, pulling on his cigarette. 

He knew he’d be going down soon. He just wondered if he’d be using the elevator. 

And then, he’d realize that he wasn’t alone on the roof. 

A man would sit next to him, and Tokiya would give him a distrustful glance. The man seemed rough, dressed in heavy black clothes and messy grey hair. Tokiya would look away from him, back out at the skyline. 

“Y’gonna jump?” There’s almost not a tone in the man’s deep voice. It just seems like a genuine question, and that almost surprises Tokiya. 

“Who knows? Probably.” Tokiya would take a long drag. 

“Pretty serious decision.” There wasn’t any judgement. The man’s tone just felt very matter of fact. “‘N you’re older, too. What made you decide it had ‘t come to this?”

“A long serious of mistakes that led to a disaster of a life.” Tokiya isn’t sure why he’s opening up to this man. Perhaps it’s because Tokiya knows he won’t be here much longer, so what did it matter? Tokiya had admitted that he’d likely throw himself off, and the man hadn’t yet done anything to stop him. The man’s calmness was rubbing off on Tokiya. “I had everything going right.” Tokiya would put out his smoke beside him, holding onto the stub. “And I messed it all up and couldn’t get it back together. Waste of a life.”

“Would y’wanna redo it, if ya could?”

“Maybe.” Tokiya would shrug. “It might be too much. To trust myself to not make the same mistakes. I wouldn’t want more time to just do the same things wrong.”

“And if I said that you didn’t have to?” 

“I’d wonder why you’re talking nonsense.” Tokiya would shake his head. “I’ve got somewhere to be. Would you mind leaving?” His voice is cold. 

“Hear me out.” The man would reach into his coat, and he’d pull out a leather bound journal. “It’s gonna sound like bullshit, but y’seem like a good, misguided guy. You might as well as listen ‘t my ramblings and if it doesn’t work out for ya, tomorrow’s just as good of a day to kill yourself as today is, yeah?” 

Tokiya would sigh. “Well. I guess I don’t have anywhere else to be.”

“Look, just… try writin’ about your life in this. The more ya use it, the worse you’re gonna feel. Think of it like a redo. You write down your mistakes, and you get another chance to try to fix them. And even if you think I’m nuts.” The man would offer the journal. “Just write down your story. The book’s yours. Worse case, y’just made a diary. Best case, you get another chance. There’s no limit to it, but if you find that it works, and you use it too much- it might kill you. How bad you wanna fix your life is up to you. And how many times ya get it wrong, too.”

Tokiya would hesitantly take the book. He would look at it, but when he’d look back up, there’s no sign of the man. He’d turn, trying to find him- but he’s nowhere to be seen. Tokiya would frown, unnerved, but at the end of the night, he’d bring the book back with him, getting off the roof via the elevator. 

He would spend nearly two hours and ten pages, writing in the book. He would write mostly about his mistakes, detailing what he knew he had done wrong, and he’d document the strange conversation with the man. When he’s done, he’d bind the book with the leather strap, and he’d set it on the desk. He would stand, stretching, and he’d lie down in the bed, letting himself wallow in misery. 

He had a feeling that tomorrow, he’d be returning to the roof.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I Wish You Would - Taylor Swift

_**It’s 2 A.M. in your car** _  
_**Windows down, I pass my street** _  
_**The memories start** _

Tokiya had woken up next to Ren that morning, in intense pain. He would have pushed himself out of the bed, moving to go throw up in the bathroom, and he’d hear Ren’s footsteps, trailing after him, and he’d feel a cool hand on his back, and his bangs being pushed back. Tokiya would throw up everything he had eaten, and even when the throw up was nothing more than gagging and stomach acid, he wouldn’t have been able to stop. Ren’s hand would have pressed to his forehead, and Tokiya would have heard him make a soft, concerned noise. When Tokiya had finally stopped vomiting, he’d go limp against the toilet bowl, unable to hold himself up on his shaking arms. Ren would sit down with him, pulling Tokiya back, into Ren, and he’d take some toilet paper, wiping Tokiya’s face, but letting him remain on the floor by the toilet for a moment. 

“You’re burning up, baby.” Ren’s hand would press to Tokiya’s face again, “Did you eat something strange?” Ren wasn’t positive that food poisoning could give you a fever, but he wasn’t sure what had made Tokiya so sick. 

“I don’t-” Tokiya would wince, his throat sore from throwing up. “Don’t know. I need water.” Tokiya would struggle to get up, and Ren would help him. Tokiya would go to the sink, turning on the tap and bending his head to try to get the water. 

“Let me get you a bottle of water, honey.” Ren’s eyebrows would furrow, making sure that Tokiya was stable against the counter before he’d leave the room. He wouldn’t be gone long, uncapping the bottle of water in his hand on the way, setting his hand on Tokiya’s shoulder to get him to straighten. Tokiya would brace himself against the counter with one hand, taking the bottle with the other. He felt dehydrated. Ren would support him, rubbing his back, until Tokiya would set the water down, breathing heavily. 

“I have no idea what’s wrong with me.” Tokiya would say weakly. “But I feel miserable.”

“Why don’t we get you laying back down? I’ll bring you over a trash can, just in case.”

Tokiya would nod, letting Ren lead him back. Tokiya would shift, trying to get comfortable, but no matter how he laid his stomach seemed to ache. Normally, throwing up would at least give him some sense of relief. 

Ren would have disappeared into the bathroom, but he would have returned with a cool cloth. “Why don’t you try to get some rest, baby? I’m going to run out and grab you some medicine to bring your fever down.” Ren would have pressed a kiss to Tokiya’s forehead before moving the cool cloth against his neck and then up to his forehead. 

Tokiya did feel exhausted. Enough to not fight Ren on it. It’d take too much energy to just reach out to Ren, squeezing his hand. Tokiya would close his eyes. 

“I’ll be back before you wake up.” Ren would promise. 

Tokiya would fall asleep very shortly after Ren had left, though Ren would have woken Tokiya up for a moment to give him the medicine. Tokiya would have fallen asleep again as soon as Ren had let him. 

When Tokiya wakes up again, he feels normal. He’d take the cloth off of his head, though when he moves to sit up, rubbing at his eyes, he’d feel Ren, carefully pressing him back down. 

“I feel better.” Tokiya would mumble, though he would let Ren pull him down. He’d drop the rag on the bedside table, and he’d cover Ren’s hand with his own, both hands lying on Tokiya’s chest. 

“You were really sick, Toki.” Ren still sounds concerned, though he sounds a bit sleepy, too. “Hopefully the medicine helped, but you need to rest.”

Tokiya could recall his experience in the bathroom well, wincing at the thought. “I guess it’s not all that bad, if I get time in bed with you.” Tokiya would mumble, turning to get closer to Ren. “I hope that I don’t get you sick.”

“If you do, I guess you’ll just have to take care of me, then, hmm?” Ren would give a slight chuckle, and Tokiya would give an amused huff. 

“If I must.” Tokiya’s voice is teasing. 

“Do you think you’re well enough to try to eat something? I picked up soup when I was out.”

“I’m not particularly hungry.” Tokiya would admit. “But I could try. I don’t think I’d throw it up.”

“I’ll go make it.” Ren would kiss Tokiya’s forehead. “Your fever’s gone down. You lay here, and we can move to the couch when the soup is done.”

“Alright.” Tokiya would agree. Part of him was happy beyond belief, simply from being in bed with Ren. He wasn’t sure that he understood why. 

When Ren would get up, Tokiya would turn onto his other side, finally noticing the strange book sitting on his table. Tokiya’s eyebrows would furrow, but he’d sit up, reaching for the book. He would open it, and there seems to already be writing. 

The soup would be done before he could get very far. 

The next night, he would have been with Ren. They had driven out to one of Ren’s favorite spots, but had misjudged how long they had spent, sitting together on the hood of Ren’s car, and it was nearing two in the morning as they were just getting home. Tokiya had been using a book light, reading the story in the book to keep himself awake, though he would have gotten silent, rereading the story multiple times. 

Tokiya wasn’t sure what to think- especially because he was beginning to picture the memories in his head as if they were his own. 

The very last line had been a plea- to not make the same mistakes. 

Ren would reach over to squeeze Tokiya’s knee. “Is everything alright?”

“Yes. I’m fine.” Tokiya would smile at Ren, and in the dark, it doesn’t show his uncertainty. 

The biggest mistake Tokiya had found was when he had supposedly left Ren. 

He wasn’t worried about making that mistake again. 

_**You say it’s in the past** _  
_**And drive straight ahead** _  
_**You think I’m gonna hate you now** _  
_**’Cause you still don’t know what I never said** _

The story had really messed Tokiya up. Far more than he expected that it would. 

Because he had misidentified the problem- and he had kept following his path of destruction. 

It would have been months later, and Tokiya had been short with Ren recently, too focused on the strange story he had supposedly written, in another life. Maybe he could have opened up to Ren, to express that he was _scared_. 

He didn’t want to lose Ren. He was terrified to lose Ren. Especially after seeing what could happen if he did. 

“I’m sorry.” Tokiya would mumble, sitting in the passenger seat. “I’ve been acting strange.”

“Don’t worry about it.” There’s some strain in Ren’s smile. “It’s all water under the bridge.” Ren would reassure. He’d take Tokiya’s hand, squeezing it, before he’d place his hands back on the wheel. 

Tokiya wondered what Ren was thinking. It felt like it was harder to read him lately- like Ren was trying to keep his thoughts from Tokiya. Tokiya hoped that he wasn’t rubbing off on Ren. 

Tokiya would close his eyes, picturing the book. Was it true? 

He wasn’t sure what to think. He hated being unsure.

_**I wish you would come back** _  
_**Wish I’d never hung up the phone like I did** _  
_**I wish you knew that** _  
_**I’d never forget you as long as I lived** _  
_**And I wish you were right here, right now** _

It was years later. It was years after Tokiya had finally messed up and it had been too much for Ren. 

Ren had been gone for a work trip, but he had called Tokiya, and Tokiya had been doing worse. He had gotten himself hooked in the book, finding everything that he was doing wrong _now_ , and comparing it to his miserable possible life. And when Ren had reached out to Tokiya to check on him- Tokiya had snapped. 

“Talk to me, Toki.” Ren sounds almost desperate. “I know this should be a face to face conversation, but something’s wrong, and I want to know what it is.”

“There’s nothing-”

“You’re lying to me.” Ren’s voice is sharp, but it would soften, and it would turn sad. “I want to help you, Toki, but we can’t keep doing this. I need you to talk to me. If you can’t… baby, I don’t know how we’re going to keep going.”

“What are you implying?” Tokiya feels frozen in fear. 

“If you won’t tell me what’s wrong, I don’t think we can stay together.” Ren’s voice is nothing but sad now. 

Tokiya would pause, and he hears Ren say his name- and then Tokiya would hang up. 

He wouldn’t answer any of Ren’s calls. 

When Ren had gotten back, they had the final break up talk, and Tokiya wouldn’t have spoken. He would have nodded, a terrible feeling falling over him the entire time. 

And now, years later, the only thing on his mind was still Ren. How could he ever forget him?

He missed him. And if he knew what to tell him- he’d have asked for him back.

_**It’s 2 A.M. in my room** _  
_**Headlights pass the window pane** _  
_**I think of you** _

Tokiya would be sitting in the window sill, his leather book clutched in his hands. 

He’d jump, almost pressing against the window, when he’d see headlights pull into his driveway, his thoughts being thrown back to sitting in Ren’s car. To the spot that Ren had taken him- the one that Ren had said was special to Tokiya. 

Tokiya’s heart would pound, even when his already skeptical hope would fade as the car would use his driveway to turn around and head the opposite way. 

Tokiya seemed to get daily reminders of Ren, he’d think, as he’d lean back, pressed against the window, closing his eyes. His face looks exhausted. 

The car was just today’s reminder.

_**I wish we could go back** _  
_**And remember what we were fighting for** _  
_**Wish you knew that** _  
_**I miss you too much to be mad anymore** _

Tokiya misses when they had loved each other. 

Tokiya kicked himself every day for how little he had told Ren that he loved him towards the end, because he was so distracted with himself. He wished he had written something in that stupid book about not forgetting why he was dating Ren in the first place. 

He should have been less concerned about losing Ren and more concerned about holding onto him. 

Caring for him. 

Tokiya can’t even force himself to bring up any of the anger he had felt, and hardly even the fear, during the stages of the breakup. All he can really remember is how much he missed him. 

_**You always knew how to push my buttons** _  
_**You gave me everything and nothing** _  
_**This mad, mad love makes you come rushing** _  
_**Stand back where you stood** _

When they were teenagers, it was the opposite. Tokiya had been a quiet, standoffish, cold teenager, and Ren had decided that Tokiya was a challenge he intended to win. 

After nearly three months of Tokiya brushing Ren off, Ren had started spouting off dumb novel references to Tokiya until he had finally cracked, laughing at Ren, and Ren’s face had lit up. Tokiya had cautiously begun to let Ren court him- but he had been nervous. He was worried that Ren was just going to view him as a trophy he had won- and in a way, he was right. 

Ren did treat him like a trophy. But like a trophy that he was absolutely proud of- the kind that you polished daily and just had to stop to stare at every time you passed by it. The kind that you were happy to show off but you would never pass it around. The kind you cared for. 

Tokiya liked it. He liked all of the care. And, while it had started with a challenge, it didn’t end when Ren had won. 

Ren was cocky, and he knew just how to tease Tokiya to get Tokiya to turn red, and huff and puff, but Tokiya adored him. 

Everything that Ren did that could sometimes get under Tokiya’s skin was all a part of Ren’s charm. 

Tokiya even missed the relentless teasing.

_**2 A.M, here we are** _  
_**See your face** _  
_**Hear my voice in the dark** _

Tokiya would have lied down, staring at the clock until he fallen asleep. He would have woken up, a few hours later, squinting at the bright light of the clock. 

Two in the morning. 

Tokiya would have turned, to get away from the light, still half asleep, and he’d look forward, seeing an outline that he’d recognize too well. 

The long, bright hair, falling over his face and onto his pillow. The way the blanket was tucked under his arm, pressed against his bare chest, and the way his eyes fluttered, even in his sleep. The movement of his breathing, shifting the blanket ever so slightly, and the calm, pure expression on his face as he slept. 

“Ren?” Tokiya’s voice would crack, but when it interrupts the silence in the room, it ruins the illusion, too. When Tokiya blinks again, the bed is empty. Exactly how he left it. 

Tokiya would sit up, rubbing at his eyes, and he’d finally break down. When he manages to calm down, he’d grab the book. 

He had considered writing his own entry for quite some time, but tonight is the first night that he actually would. 

The first thing that he makes clear is that it isn’t as easy as just trying to keep Ren. 

He needs to love Ren, and pay attention to _Ren._ Not the book. 

He’d write down the rest of his story, just as the story before it was written,

He isn’t sure how he falls asleep, but he does.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If This Were A Movie - Taylor Swift

_**Last night I heard my own heart beating** _   
_**Sounded like footsteps on my stairs** _   
_**Six months gone and I’m still reaching** _   
_**Even though I know you’re not there** _   
_**I was playing back a thousands memories, baby** _   
_**Thinking ‘bout everything we’ve been through** _   
_**Maybe I’ve been going back too much lately** _   
_**When time stood still and I had you** _

Tokiya would have woken up in his bed, and for a second, he’s alright. And then he would have felt a bit nauseous, and when he would have stood to try to make his way to the bathroom, he would have fallen over, pain shooting through his entire body- enough to make him cry out. He’d hear Ren move out of bed, by Tokiya’s side in an instant. 

“Toki? Baby, are you alright?” Ren is hovering over Tokiya, turning him so that Tokiya is on his back. There’s panic in his voice, and his hand is on Tokiya’s cheek. Tokiya’s breathing feels labored, and he’d meet Ren’s eyes. He can feel panic in his own expression. Tokiya would try to get back on his side, to try to scramble towards the toilet.

“Bathroom.” Tokiya’s voice is almost a whine, and Ren would help him up, to get him to the bathroom. Ren would have helped lower him to the toilet, to keep Tokiya from just dropping himself down, and Tokiya would have thrown up. He isn’t throwing up for very long, but when he opens his eyes, he notices specks of blood on the side of the toilet, and genuine fear shoots through his chest. Tokiya would try to reach up, to flush the toilet, but Ren would catch his wrist with one hand, turning Tokiya’s head with the other one, his eyes focusing on Tokiya’s chin. 

“You threw up blood, baby.” Ren’s voice is almost scared. “That’s really serious.” Ren would finally flush the toilet, closing the lid to lift Tokiya on top of it, wiping Tokiya’s mouth with a small wad of toilet paper. “We should get you to the hospital.”

Tokiya felt like he was dying- but he was sure he wasn’t. Tokiya would shake his head, but as Ren’s expression would turn stern, Tokiya would hold onto Ren’s wrist. “Please, I- I just want to lay down for a minute. If it’s still bad later, I’ll go to the hospital. It wasn’t very much blood.” Tokiya would swallow hard, despite the terrible taste in his mouth. 

“You shouldn’t be throwing up _any_ blood, Toki.”

“I know- but please. I don’t want to go to the hospital.” 

Ren’s jaw would set, and he would look away from Tokiya. “A few hours. If you’re still feeling this bad, we’re leaving. And I want you to listen to me.”

“I can do that.” Tokiya would relent. Ren would pick Tokiya up, bringing him to the bed. 

‘I’ll bring you some water, and then you should try to get some sleep.” Ren would stroke through Tokiya’s hair. “Blanket on or off?” 

“On.” Tokiya would say, a bit quietly. He felt like he was freezing. He was surprised that he wasn’t shivering. Ren would tuck Tokiya in, and Tokiya’s expression would soften, just a bit. Ren would be back in a moment, and he’d set the bottle down on the nightstand. He would have given it to Tokiya, but Tokiya’s already falling asleep. Ren would get on the other side of the bed, carefully laying his hand on Tokiya’s arm over the blanket, though he wouldn’t sleep- simply watching Tokiya. 

When Tokiya wakes up, he still feels miserable. He still feels sick, and he’d sit up, to get to the bathroom, but he’d hear Ren, speaking as he sat up. “There’s a trash can by you, baby.”

Tokiya would grab the trash can, and he’d throw up again, his eyes burning with tears. He hated throwing up. He’d rest his head on the side of the trash, closing his eyes for a second, but when he pulls back, there isn’t any blood. He’d put the bin back down to lay on his side, curling in on himself. He hadn’t gotten much relief from the stomach ache. Ren would rub his back, before standing up. Tokiya sees that he’s carrying a tissue, and he’d wipe Tokiya’s mouth. 

“There’s no blood.” Tokiya would say, though his voice is a bit weak. Ren would sigh. 

“There isn’t. ...If you stay resting, I won’t make you go. But if you don’t start getting better, I’ll have to bring you in. I’m just worried about you, my love.”

“I’ll be okay.” Tokiya would promise quietly, though his eyes are already beginning to close. Ren would pull the blanket back over him, pressing a kiss to Tokiya’s temple, rubbing his side over the blanket. Tokiya would go red, “Ren?” His voice is soft. This request wasn’t like him- but he felt horrible. Ren’s attention is on him, worried at the color in his cheeks. Misunderstanding why it was there. “Will you rub my stomach?” 

Ren’s face would soften, “Of course, baby. If it helps, I’ll do anything.” Ren would get Tokiya to turn onto his back, and he’d fold back the blanket, carefully rubbing Tokiya’s stomach. Tokiya’s eyes would closed, comforted by the pressure. Ren wouldn’t have stopped until Tokiya had fallen asleep. 

When Tokiya wakes up, he feels better. He would have assured Ren that he had, but he’d still spend the next day in bed. During the second day, he would have found the notebook by his bed, and he would have read through it. He would have reread it three times, and then he would have tucked it into the drawer in his nightstand. 

Tokiya would have taken the words seriously. He couldn’t let Ren go- but he couldn’t keep Ren and ignore him, either. 

Tokiya needed to not focus on the book, but on Ren. He needed to love Ren. 

Tokiya hadn’t meant to become clingy, but he had. Tokiya had started sticking very close to Ren- being unnaturally cuddly and sweet with him. 

But then Tokiya would have found himself getting _too_ worked up. Too protective. 

He felt, as he had apparently felt in his first go of this, that he was ruining Ren’s life. 

“I love you, Toki.” Ren’s face is sad. He’s standing too far from Tokiya- a bit further than a normal conversation should take place. “I think we need space.”

Tokiya could almost feel his world crashing around him. 

The third time clearly wasn’t the charm.

“You’re sweet- but it’s… you’re different, Toki. I’ve tried to get you to talk to me, but you’re hiding, honey. I can’t let you do that to yourself- and as long as I stay with you, I’m only encouraging you. I’m sorry.”

Tokiya’s throat would close. He wants to cry. “I understand.” His voice is so soft. 

Every day for months Tokiya would hope for Ren to come back. He would day dream about Ren returning. He would think about the book, sometimes, but he could never bring himself to take it out.

Sometimes Tokiya would hear noises in the apartment- imaginary ones, that would remind him of when he wasn’t living alone. When Tokiya would lie in bed, he’d lie in the middle, curled in on himself, his hand on the empty side of the bed where Ren had slept. He always knew, before he’d set his hand on the cool sheets, that there wouldn’t be anything there, but he couldn’t stop himself. 

He cried a lot. He had let himself go- let himself care for Ren, and show affection. To actually show his love. To remind Ren often how much he loved Ren. 

But according to Ren, he had let himself go in the wrong way. It hurt. 

Tokiya lived in the past. He wasn’t sure that he was right to, but compared to how he was then- it was much nicer, thinking back. Even if it hurt him in the present. 

_**Come back, come back, come back to me like** _   
_**You would, you would if this was a movie** _   
_**Stand in the rain outside ‘til I came out** _   
_**I know that we could work it out somehow** _   
_**But if this was a movie you’d be here by now** _

If Ren were to come back, Tokiya would take him back in a heartbeat. 

He would find a way to make Ren stay. To find a way to get Ren to believe in him- to have his happy, Hollywood ending. Tokiya was such a dramatic person, and his dreams were just as dramatic. 

Dreams where Ren would come back to him. 

When it rained, sometimes Tokiya would sit on his porch, wrapped in a blanket, and he’d watch it fall. He’d close his eyes and imagine headlights. He’d imagine a car, parking in front of his porch, too desperate to get out of the car to do anything but park it- leaving it on and lit up. 

To see Ren, his hair already beginning to stick to his face, and to see him run up to Tokiya. To tell Tokiya that they could fix it together. That Ren would give Tokiya another chance. 

Tokiya felt like he was destroyed. 

_**I know people change and these things happen** _   
_**But I remember how it was back then** _   
_**Locked up in your arms and our friends are laughing** _   
_**’Cause nothing like this ever happened to them** _   
_**Now I’m pacing up the hall, chasing down your street** _

Tokiya had thought he was making Ren happy. 

And when Tokiya was _with_ Ren, he felt happy, too. When he and Ren had cuddled on the couch, laughing together, he felt content. He would have never guessed that less than a year later, Ren wouldn’t be with him. Tokiya had thought he was doing better. 

Then again- Tokiya knew he wasn’t quite right. Ren had tried to talk to him often, and Tokiya would use affection to redirect the conversation. Tokiya hadn’t ever actually _opened up_ to Ren. He still kept his feelings in check, and put Ren far above himself. 

But Ren hadn’t usually let on just how much that bothered him. When the boys would come over to their apartment, the boys liked to tease Ren and Tokiya about how close they always were. It was fun to tease Ren- considering Ren always teased everyone else. Not that it flustered Ren, anyways. Ren would have only ever wrapped Tokiya tighter in his arms, and would have stuck his tongue out, teasing them right back, that they were just jealous. 

Tokiya missed those moments. He believed that Ren loved him. He believed that Ren loved him too much- enough that he made the decision that he thought would be best for Tokiya. He wanted Tokiya to be healthy. 

Tokiya didn’t feel like it was the best choice for him. 

Tokiya had begun to get restless. He’d wrap his arms around himself tightly, but it never felt the same. He just wanted _Ren_. STARISH had ended, not long after their breakup, though it wasn’t because of them. 

Without STARISH, Tokiya almost never saw Ren. 

_**If you’re there** _   
_**If you’re somewhere** _   
_**If you’re moving on** _   
_**I’ll be waiting for you** _   
_**Wary, since you’ve been gone** _   
_**I just want it back the way it was before** _   
_**And I just want to see you back at my front door** _

Tokiya thought of Ren a lot. 

It was most of what he thought about. 

He wondered what Ren was doing. If Ren had found someone else. What Ren’s reaction would be if Tokiya reached out to him- and if Ren wasn’t reaching out to Tokiya because he didn’t want to, or because Ren wanted Tokiya to reach out first. 

Tokiya couldn’t. What would he tell Ren? That he missed him? That he wished Ren were still here? If Ren left Tokiya because Tokiya hadn’t been honest enough about himself, then Ren would only be disappointed. Tokiya wanted what they had. He really thought Ren had been happy. 

Tokiya only wanted to be happy with Ren. 

He wanted to wrap his arms around Ren, and to lie in the same bed, holding him. Tokiya spent a lot of time, just sitting on his porch, staring into his yard. He knew that he’d never see Ren walking up- because that wasn’t the sort of thing that actually happened. But that wouldn’t keep Tokiya from sitting there and thinking about what would happen if Ren _did_. 

Tokiya hoped that Ren moved on, because Tokiya couldn’t. 

As long as Ren was happy, because clearly, no matter what Tokiya had tried- Tokiya couldn’t keep himself happy. 

He just hoped that Ren wasn’t hung up on Tokiya in the same way that Tokiya was hung up on Ren. 

_**It’s not the kind of ending you wanna see now** _   
_**Baby, I don’t like the ending** _

Tokiya would sit on the porch, the journal in his lap. 

This was the youngest he had ever seemed to be, writing in the journal. But clearly he had messed up yet another timeline. 

Ren was never going to come back. It had been years. 

Tokiya could keep himself miserable forever, dwelling on what could have been. 

Another version of himself, documenting his failures. Maybe the next him would finally get it right. 

Tokiya’s biggest suggestion would have been that Ren would see through the affection, should Tokiya try to hide behind it. His next is that if Tokiya loses Ren, and he lives in the past- he’s only ever going to end his story miserable.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haunted - Taylor Swift

_**You and I walk a fragile line** _   
_**I have known it all this time** _   
_**But I never thought I’d live to see it break** _   
_**It’s getting dark and it’s all too quiet** _   
_**And I can’t trust anything now** _   
_**And it’s comin’ over you like its all a big mistake** _

Tokiya would wake up with a blinding pain in his chest, and he’d let out a choked, pained noise. He couldn’t understand _why_ he was in so much pain right now, but it felt like his heart was trying to rip itself out of his chest. 

He would feel a hand over his, and a tired, but worried voice. “Toki, baby? Are you okay?” 

Tokiya can’t hold in his pained sob. It was distracting, the ripping feeling in his chest, but his noise would wake Ren up completely. “Toki, can you talk? I need to know what’s going on.” Ren is sitting up, still holding his hand over Tokiya’s over his chest. 

Tokiya would move his hand, pressing Ren’s hand to his chest. It didn’t extinguish the burn, but it was the only relief Tokiya could find. “My chest hurts.” Tokiya would whimper. He was too young to have a heart attack. He was sure of it. It still felt like he was having one. 

“Do you need an ambulance?” Ren’s voice is calm, but Tokiya doesn’t think that he’s nearly as calm as he’s acting. 

Tokiya would pause for a second, trying to figure out the pain. He didn’t think he was dying. He hoped he wasn’t. “I don’t want to go to the hospital.” Tokiya sounds scared. 

‘Baby, chest pain is really serious.” Ren’s voice is soft. “We need to get you to a hospital.”

“Please, Ren.” Tokiya’s grip on Ren’s hand over his chest is tight, and both of his hands have lifted. “I’m sure it’s going to pass, please.”

Ren’s expression is clearly pained. 

Tokiya would lose this fight. Ren wouldn’t call an ambulance, but he’d still take Tokiya to a quick care. They would have kept him, sending him to an ER to get a few tests done, but when the pain had left, no one had understood why Tokiya had the chest pain in the first place. It would have been nearly a day later when Tokiya would have finally gone back to his shared apartment. 

It would have been that first day back when Tokiya would have seen and would have read through the journal on his desk. 

Tokiya would have gotten colder towards Ren. 

Tokiya had gone to the complete polar opposite of how he had apparently handled it before. Rereading his past lives had made him feel hopeless from the start. 

Ren would have hovered over him, but he would have gotten a colder disposition from Tokiya. Tokiya would have seen how it was affecting Ren, but not on the scale that it was- because Ren had been hiding it. 

When Tokiya had finally gotten better, Ren would have let him know that he couldn’t do it. 

Tokiya would have found himself physically well- but alone. 

Tokiya had clearly figured out that he and Ren seemed to have trouble staying together. Tokiya just hadn’t expected their relationship to end so quickly. 

Tokiya would have been sitting on the bed, in the dark. He had unplugged the digital clock by his bed, to keep everything completely dark. He would pull his knees up to his chest and close his eyes, the only noise being his own unsteady breathing.

Ren had begun to believe that Tokiya had grown bitter- because of his medical scare. 

_**Holding my breath, won’t lose you again** _   
_**Something’s made your eyes go cold** _

Tokiya, for the first time, would have actually spoken to Ren about it, after they had taken some time apart. 

Tokiya’s problem had been that he was just as standoffish as he had been while Ren had been caring for him. Ren’s look had been sad, but it had been distant. 

_“I don’t want to lose you again.”_

They were simple words, and for whatever reason, Tokiya wouldn’t have said them. He would have nodded, when Ren told him that he wasn’t sure, and he would have turned, hiding the tears he could already feel burning his eyes. 

He could feel Ren’s eyes on his back as he’d leave, his position stiff. 

_**Come on, come on don’t leave me like this** _   
_**I thought I had you figured out** _   
_**Something’s gone terrible wrong, you’re all I wanted** _   
_**Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone** _   
_**Can’t turn back, now I’m haunted** _

Tokiya didn’t get much sleep. 

It wasn’t Ren’s fault that Tokiya couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. 

With every failure, Tokiya’s confidence had taken a serious hit. Tokiya already knew what he would write in the book this time-

He couldn’t let his pride stop him from fixing things. 

He was beginning to believe that no matter what he did, he was going to mess it up. But he couldn’t seem to figure out how to put it back together.

When Tokiya sat in the dark, it almost felt like he wasn’t sitting by himself. Like if he closed his eyes hard enough that he could feel Ren beside him on the bed. Or if he looked into the darkness, he could see a shadow, sitting on his couch, in Ren’s spot. When Tokiya saw it, his breath would catch in his throat, and his eyes would tear up, though he’d never cry. 

He liked believing that Ren wasn’t gone, but he knew that he was ignoring one of his past rules. 

To not let missing Ren ruin his life. 

Tokiya had known Ren well. He let himself ruin that. But when everything was so broken, and so impossibly fixable- he had issues _not_ thinking of Ren.

_**Stood there and watched you walk away** _   
_**From everything we had** _   
_**But I still mean every word I said to you** _   
_**He will try to take away my pain** _   
_**And he might just make me smile** _   
_**But the whole time I’m wishin’ he was you instead** _   
_**Oh, oh, holding my breath, won’t see you again** _   
_**Something keeps me holding on to nothing** _

Sometimes when Tokiya closed his eyes at night, he could picture Ren, packing his things into his car. 

Tokiya had told Ren before that he loved him, and Tokiya still meant it with all of his heart. 

But Tokiya had already gone on the wrong path with Ren. Tokiya would decide that he wouldn’t completely throw away the advice he had been given- because he couldn’t figure out how to get it right with Ren, he would at least listen to the one rule he had given himself. 

To not let losing Ren make him miserable. 

Tokiya would have gone out, and one night, he would have found a sweet boy. He was very straight forward and blunt, with pretty blue hair, halfway pulled up. 

He seemed young, in his early twenties, and he would have introduced himself as Ai. 

Ai didn’t seem very in touch with his emotions, which worked well with Tokiya, because Tokiya tried to limit his own. They would have gotten along well, because Ai would never have asked Tokiya to be honest with him- and Ai honestly wasn’t an over emotional person. 

Ai did seem to care for Tokiya, and Tokiya did care for Ai- and Ai really did try to comfort Tokiya, in his own awkward way. Ai could at least see through Tokiya enough to know that he was upset. And Ai did his best to make Tokiya feel better, and Tokiya did his best to let Ai help him. Tokiya did find himself enjoying spending time with Ai. 

When he touched Ai, it just didn’t feel the same. 

Tokiya didn’t understand why he still sat in his room at night, looking over to the couch, or to the empty side of the bed, hoping for remnants. 

Tokiya cared for Ai, but selfishly, he found himself wishing that Ai was Ren. 

Tokiya’s story was different this time. 

It was negative. He had given up. 

He had reiterated several points. That he couldn’t keep Ren, or give him up. That he couldn’t be too affectionate, and he couldn’t be too distant. 

Tokiya’s last point is that he doesn’t know what to do.


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Kiss - Taylor Swift

_**I still remember the look on your face** _   
_**Lit through the darkness at 1:58** _   
_**The words that you whispered** _   
_**For just us to know** _   
_**You told me you loved me** _

When Tokiya wakes up, he stays still, a wave of fear overcoming him for a reason he can’t quite place. He feels sick, and when he sits up, he feels dizzy. He’d still try to stand, but he’d fall, his vision fading, from the edges. He feels like he’s only out for a moment, but when he comes to, he’s on his side on the floor, Ren above him, looking terrified. 

“Ren?” Tokiya’s voice is quiet and shaky, unsure. 

Ren’s hand would carefully stroke Tokiya’s cheek, “You had a seizure, baby.” Tokiya would try to drop his head, but Ren had already placed a pillow under it. Ren would move his hand onto Tokiya’s shoulder. “Make sure you stay on your side, alright?” 

Tokiya still felt groggy, unwell and out of it. There’s a knock on the door, and Tokiya would look at Ren, startled. 

“Just stay still, darling.” Ren would have stood up, and Tokiya would have listened to him, though a look of fear would cross over his face when paramedics would enter with a stretcher. 

“Ren?” Tokiya’s voice is scared, especially as the paramedics approach him. 

“They’re here to help you, Toki- it’s alright.” Ren’s voice is gentle, but the paramedics have approached Tokiya. When Tokiya is on the stretcher, the paramedics would ask Ren questions. 

They would keep Tokiya, watching him, but his seizure is deemed a reaction from his fever. He would be kept for a few days, until it had finally dropped. When he would finally get back to his own room, he’s still exhausted. 

“Just rest for a while, baby.” Ren would have pressed a kiss to Tokiya’s temple, leading him to the bed, and Tokiya wouldn’t have fought him. For most of that day, Tokiya would have slept, but when he had woken up, he would have investigated the journal. It felt familiar, but he didn’t remember getting it. 

After he had read through his past stories, a wave of hopelessness would have washed over him. 

Was that it? Was he destined to lose Ren and be miserable no matter what he did? Why would he keep restarting if it was just going to end the same way?

Was Tokiya really good enough at keeping himself miserable that he’d never get a happy ending?

That thought had hit Tokiya hard, and he’d have withdrawn. Ren may have been with him, then, but it had felt like he was already gone. 

Ren would have given him some time, months, even, but Tokiya would have never quite snapped out of the shell he had become. 

Ren would look crushed, his hand ghosting over Tokiya’s cheek. “Toki, I’m sorry. I can’t do it.” Ren’s eyes are pained. “I don’t know what happened- but you won’t talk to me. You won’t tell me what I can do to help it, and I can’t- your eyes are empty, darling. I want to help you, but I… I can barely see any of you left.” 

“I understand.” Tokiya’s voice is resigned. He had known that this was coming. Tokiya would swallow, and his expression is almost childlike, with just a hint of desperation. “Will you kiss me? One last time?”

Ren’s expression stays sad, but his hand would settle fully onto Tokiya’s cheek, and he’d lean in. 

Ren had always been a good kisser, and even with the pain in this kiss, it was no exception. 

It couldn’t have been more than weeks when Tokiya would have been lying next to Ren in bed, watching him with a soft expression. He remembers Ren’s eyes, fluttering open, and the adoring look on his face as he’d take Tokiya in, all of the light in the room coming from the digital clock on Tokiya’s nightstand. Ren’s hand had lifted, brushing some of Tokiya’s hair away from his eyes. 

“I love you, Toki.” 

And now, sitting alone in his room, he wondered what timeline he’d need to be in to finally get it right.

_**I do recall now** _   
_**The smell of the rain** _   
_**Fresh off the pavement** _   
_**I ran off the plane** _   
_**That July ninth** _   
_**The beat of your heart** _   
_**It jumps through your shirt** _   
_**I can still feel your arms** _

Tokiya had fallen into a worse depression shortly after Ren had left. He spent most of his time, lying in his bed, sleeping. When he closed his eyes, he’d return to the past- living in it.

Tokiya remembers when they were still kids, barely even eighteen. Tokiya had decided to leave, to try to go to a college out of state. Ren and Tokiya technically hadn’t broken up, choosing to try long distance- but Tokiya would have figured out quickly that school wasn’t his thing, and he just _missed Ren._

He had gone back under the premise of a visit, not having told Ren yet that he wouldn’t be going back. The plane would have been delayed due to weather, and every moment of waiting had felt like a lifetime. Tokiya had sat himself in the front of the plane, and when the doors would have opened, he’d have been one of the first ones off. He could hear the rain hitting the tunnel, and he’d see the large window panes covered in droplets, focused only on getting to the pick up spots. 

Tokiya would have scared Ren, and not entirely on accident, when he would have thrown his arms around Ren from the side. Tokiya thinks he could hear Ren’s heart skip a beat, but after the initial shock, Ren would have laughed, turning to hold onto Tokiya tightly. 

“I normally don’t go home with strangers, but I could probably make an exception for you.” Tokiya’s voice is teasing, and Ren would chuckle, still holding onto Tokiya. 

“Well, with an offer as good as taking you home, how could I refuse?”

“God, I missed you, Ren.” Tokiya would sigh, but it’s a happy sigh. He’s still smiling. 

“I missed you, too, my darling. Let’s go get your bag.” 

_**But now I’ll go** _   
_**Sit on the floor wearing your clothes** _   
_**All that I know is I don’t know** _   
_**How to be something you missed** _   
_**Never thought we’d have a last kiss** _   
_**Never imagined we’d end like this** _   
_**Your name, forever the name on my lips** _

Tokiya would curl up on the floor, leaning against the bed frame, cradling a bottle of vodka in his hands. He had found an old hoodie of Ren’s, hidden in the back of the closet. Ren didn’t often wear hoodies, and Tokiya imagines that’s how it got forgotten, but it still reminded Tokiya of him. 

Tokiya hated that damned book. He still felt empty. He barely even remembered who he was, back when he was happy with Ren. They had issues, but Tokiya almost wishes he had been given his own chance. He wishes he hadn’t been told it was pointless and he wishes that he hadn’t believed he was already a lost cause. 

Until the book, Tokiya hadn’t believed that he and Ren would end. Tokiya would bring the bottle to his lips, drinking heavily from it. Next to him, on the floor, was the leather journal. The curse. 

Maybe Ren wouldn’t have left him if Tokiya had held himself together. That was a rule in the book- to not let the book control you. But did any of the rules matter? Clearly, none of them worked. Why was it such an issue to just get Ren to stay with him? They had loved each other, hadn’t they? Wasn’t that enough?

Maybe it would have been, this time, if Tokiya hadn’t lost himself. Hadn’t let himself get this bad.

Tokiya wouldn’t get over Ren. He didn’t need the book to tell him _that_. He already knew it. 

Tokiya just wished that he knew what to do. That he knew what was the right choice and what the wrong ones were. 

He wishes the book could tell him _that_. 

_**I do remember** _   
_**The swing of your step** _   
_**The life of the party, you’re showing off again** _   
_**And I roll my eyes and then you pull me in** _   
_**I’m not much for dancing, but for you I did.** _

Tokiya would have brought his bottle and the book up to the roof, to sit on the ledge and look over the skyline. As his focus goes in and out, his mind wanders. 

He remembers the family party he had gone to with Ren. He remembered that Masato was there, too- they were teenagers. He remembered how charming Ren was, chatting up anything that moved while Tokiya sat at the table and sipped on his water. It was easy to spot Ren, especially when the music had started. 

Ren was a flirt. As he had gotten older, he had toned it down, but when they were younger, Tokiya didn’t really care. At the end of the night- Ren was his, and they both knew it. Tokiya wasn’t threatened, or offended. 

Besides. Ren’s lines were all so cheesy, Tokiya couldn’t picture them working on anyone. Well, anyone but Tokiya. 

But Ren would have glanced over to Tokiya, a smirk forming on his face when he sees Tokiya watching him. Tokiya would have rolled his eyes, turning his head and taking a drink from his glass. After a moment, Ren would be standing besides his chair, offering a hand. 

“My lord.” Ren would bow, still holding his hand out. Tokiya would make an amused noise, but he’d take Ren’s hand with a dramatic, teasing sigh, and Ren would pull him closer. 

“Shouldn’t we go to the dance floor?” Tokiya would mumble, as Ren would pull him closer to put his hand on his waist. 

“There’s far less people right here than there are on the dance floor. I find this to be a lot more romantic.” Ren’s goofy smile would get Tokiya to break, giving a soft laugh and putting his hand on Ren’s shoulder. 

“You know, I’m not a slow dancing person.”

“Then just follow my lead.” Ren would squeeze Tokiya’s hand. “But don’t let me fool you. I’m glad that you’re dancing with me, Toki.”

“You do bring it out of me.” Tokiya’s smile is fond. Adoring. 

“Do you think a family event is an inappropriate place to kiss you?” Ren’s goofy, crooked smile is back. 

Tokiya would roll his eyes again, but there’s an amused expression on his face. “If I said yes, would it really stop you?”

“You bring up a fair point.” Ren would lean closer, and Tokiya wouldn’t lean away- but he wouldn’t lean in, either. 

“If you want to kiss me, you’re going to have to come over here.”

Ren would grin, but a second later, his lips are pressed to Tokiya’s.

_**Because I love your handshake** _   
_**Meetin’ my father** _   
_**I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets** _   
_**How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying something** _   
_**There’s not a day I don’t miss those rude interruptions** _

Tokiya would have finished his bottle, but he hardly even realizes it’s empty. When he crosses his legs, he feels unsteady, but he remains on the ledge. There’s a sad, mourning smile on his face, and he hardly feels the tears, cutting their way down his cheeks. 

Ren was an amazing man. 

Tokiya’s mother was a woman who was not over ecstatic about Tokiya being gay, but Ren had won even her over, greeting her with a bright, friendly smile and a handshake that would have gotten an eyebrow raise from his mother. 

By the end of the dinner, Tokiya’s mother had been won over. She asked, sometimes, when Ren would be visiting next. Or when the wedding was. 

Tokiya missed talking to Ren. Sitting next to him on the couch, while he’s focused on Tokiya, a hand in his pocket. 

Ren knew that Tokiya lied about himself- about how he was doing, and Tokiya knew that Ren hated it. 

When Ren caught him, lying about how he was doing, Ren would kiss him, to shut him up. Tokiya would huff, but it would always stop him. 

The sound of Tokiya’s slightly garbled laugh would be strange in the quiet night. 

_**So I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep** _   
_**And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe** _   
_**And I’ll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are** _   
_**Hope it’s nice where you are** _

Tokiya hadn’t been in STARISH in some time. The only people he had even spoken to for quite some time had been some of his old bandmates- admittedly to keep tabs on Ren. 

It sounded like he was well. 

It sounded like he was still successful. They were still STARISH, even without the T, but Tokiya didn’t mind. They still sounded good. When Tokiya watched them, through videos and pictures, Ren looked great. 

He seemed happy- a real ladies man. His music was beautiful, and the passion in it was clear. 

Tokiya wondered if Ren thought of him. 

Tokiya felt like he didn’t.

_**And i hope the sun shines** _   
_**And it’s a beautiful day** _   
_**And something reminds you** _   
_**You wish you had stayed** _

Selfishly, Tokiya wanted Ren to miss him. He didn’t want Ren to be as miserable as Tokiya, but he hoped that, just maybe, Ren wonders about what would have happened if Ren had stayed with Tokiya. 

But if Ren were happy, at least, Tokiya could die contented. 

Tokiya wondered how long the fall was. At least about twenty stories, he thinks. He’d take the book, and he’d drop it. He isn’t sure if he’d hear it hit the ground, or if he was supposed to. He’d be shocked, when he’d turn his head and it’s hovering over his shoulder- being held out to him. 

“Drop somethin’?” The man is dressed in heavy black clothing, with grey, disheveled hair. 

Tokiya wouldn’t take it, watching the man’s face. 

“Do I know you?” Tokiya felt almost sobered. The man felt so familiar. 

He would sit down, besides Tokiya. “We met.” He would tap the book with his index finger. “In your first life.”

“You gave me it.” Tokiya would say quietly. “Did you know?”

“Know what?”

“That I don’t _have_ a happy ending?”

The man would click his tongue. “You’re bein’ dramatic. It’s not my fault, or the book’s fault, that y’keep messin’ up your chances.” He’d huff. “Y’know, you’re not the only one that can see the book.”

Tokiya would blink, his eyebrows furrowing. “What?”

“Y’can’t figure out where you’re goin’ wrong, right?” Tokiya would nod. “Try asking.”

Tokiya would get quiet, surprised. “...Could I?”

“Well, yeah. That book’s real. Everything written in it is real. There’s no rules against it. But you’d better get it right on your next shot. It’s gonna be your last. Maybe you could squeeze out one more, with some real determination, but you saw how your body’s handling it. You’re cuttin’ it real close.”

Tokiya would look down, towards the sidewalk. It’s so distant. 

“Alright. I’ll try it, one more time.”

The man would give him back the book.


	6. Ending Selection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pick what Tokiya chooses to do

**Chapter Seven** \- Tokiya shows Ren the book, and Ren has a strong reaction to reading it.

 **Chapter Eight** \- Tokiya shows Ren the book, and figures out himself how to go right.

 **Chapter Nine** \- Tokiya regains consciousness months after he already lost Ren.

 **Chapter Ten** \- Tokiya doesn’t show Ren the book, but keeps the memories from his other lives. 

**Chapter Eleven** \- Tokiya shows Ren the book, asking for his help to figure out how to go right.

 **Chapter Twelve** \- Tokiya doesn’t show Ren the book, choosing to try to give himself one last natural attempt.

 **Chapter Thirteen** \- Tokiya doesn’t show Ren the book, ending it the same way he’s ended all of his other lives.

 **Chapter Fourteen** \- Tokiya doesn’t show Ren the book, and he loses Ren.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wipe Your Eyes - Maroon Five 
> 
> (Good End 1)

_**I’m afraid that I gotta do what I gotta do** _   
_**But if I let you go, where you gonna go?** _   
_**We gotta make a change, time to turn the page** _   
_**Something isn’t right and I don’t wanna fight you** _   
_**We’ve been through tougher times, you know it’s been worse** _   
_**We can turn this around please let me be first** _   
_**And as I feel your tears spilling on my shirt** _   
_**Something isn’t right and I don’t wanna fight you** _

Tokiya would wake up with a blinding pain in his head. He’d sit up in bed, curling over himself, his hands over his ears- trying to drown out the splitting static sound that he couldn’t stop hearing. He’d jump, when he feels hands on his arms, wrapping around him- a body pressed against him, and he’d look up at Ren with tears in his eyes, his expression almost numb. He can see Ren’s mouth moving- he can imagine that Ren’s asking him if he’s alright. 

When Ren speaks, and Tokiya just stares, Ren’s expression shifts to something far more worried. Ren’s hand is slow and careful, but when it nears Tokiya’s face- close to his ear, Tokiya flinches away. He’s afraid that it’s going to hurt. Ren’s concern only furthers, but he pulls his hand back and slides out of bed, grabbing the clothes on the floor from the night before, and moving to Tokiya’s side of the bed, helping him out of it. 

Tokiya feels scared. The only noise he can hear is the static noise, and his head feels like it’s going to split open. He’s in an immense amount of pain, and even if he were to ask Ren what was going on- he wouldn’t be able to hear him. Ren would lead him out of the apartment, but as soon as they’re in bright light, Tokiya would make a pained noise, moving to cover his eyes. Ren would wrap his arm around Tokiya, and Tokiya would hide his face in Ren’s side as Ren would lead him into the car. 

Tokiya would keep his eyes closed on the drive- and he’d be brought to the hospital. 

It would take a few days for his hearing to return, and a day after that for the pain in his head to finally begin to diminish. The hospital wouldn’t be able to figure out what had caused it, but Ren would have been careful with him when they had gotten home. 

It would have been a few days after Tokiya had returned when he would have finally read what he had written in the book. It would have taken a few days after that, but Tokiya would have sat himself on the bed, and would have held his arms out to Ren. 

“Ren? Will you come here for a moment?” 

Ren’s eyebrows would furrow, but he’d head over, and Tokiya would take his hand, letting out a deep breath. “This is going to sound crazy- but I’ll explain it anyways. I have this book. I’m not sure exactly through what powers I’ve gotten it, but from what I understand, I’ve lived multiple lives, and I’ve had multiple do overs. In every timeline I’ve tried- I lose you.” Tokiya’s eyebrows would lower, and he’d let go of Ren’s hand, to hold onto the book tightly, before he’d stiffly hold the book out to Ren. “I think you should read what I’ve written, in the other lives.”

Ren seems almost a bit concerned, but he’d humor Tokiya, taking the book. He’s silent for some time, reading through the book, and Tokiya would speak up, when he sees that Ren has finished. Tokiya’s voice is quiet. 

“I worry that the same thing is going to happen again. But I don’t want that. I don’t want you to leave- I want to figure out a way to stop that from happening, and I clearly haven’t managed to figure out yet how to fix us. And reading through those… we haven’t gotten nearly that bad yet. I don’t want us to ever have to. I want us to stay together, Ren.”

When Ren looks up, Tokiya’s surprised to see him crying, and Tokiya’s expression would soften. 

“Oh, darling.” Tokiya would move, pulling Ren into his arms, the book falling onto the bed. Tokiya’s heart would break when Ren would begin to sob, holding onto Tokiya. 

_**Hey you, come over and let me embrace you** _   
_**I know that I’m causing you pain, too** _   
_**But remember if you need to cry** _   
_**I’m here to wipe your eyes** _

Tokiya would have held Ren for a long moment. “I’m sorry, baby.” Tokiya’s grip would tighten. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

It would take a moment for Ren to calm down enough to speak to Tokiya, and even when he does, Tokiya wouldn’t let him go. “I don’t want us to end, either. There were five stories in there, Toki, and in all of them we lost each other. And to hear about what you went through- how miserable you always were, and I wasn’t around to help you-”

“But that wasn’t your fault.” Tokiya’s voice is soft. Consoling. “It wasn’t then, and it isn’t now. You weren’t the one doing everything wrong.”

“Toki-” 

Tokiya’s hand would lift, running across Ren’s cheek, catching the tears that still haven’t quite stopped. “I understand why you’re upset, but I didn’t show you that to upset you. I showed it to you because I want us to work.”

_**Tonight before you fall asleep** _   
_**I’ll run my thumb across your cheek** _   
_**Cry, ‘cause I’m here to wipe your eyes** _   
_**I know I made you feel this way** _   
_**You gotta breathe, we’ll be okay** _

Tokiya would have calmed Ren down, and the rest of the day would have been them, together, but when they had went to lie down, Ren’s face would have turned conflicted. 

“It’s alright, Ren.” Tokiya’s voice is soft. “It’s perfectly alright to be upset. I don’t regret showing you the book, but I’m sorry that I made you this upset with it. But if you’ll let me, I want to help you work through this.” Tokiya would move, closer to Ren, and Ren would let Tokiya hold him, resting his head against Tokiya’s chest. “You can cry, darling. You don’t have to hold yourself back.”

“I feel bad about it.” Ren admits, though his voice breaks. “Because you’re taking the blame for it- but it wasn’t _you_ , really. You haven’t done any of that. And I’m only upset because I… I hated reading that, baby. I hated how lost you sounded in most of them.” Ren would have finally begun to cry. “I don’t want to lose you, either.”

“We’ll make this work.” Tokiya would promise, kissing Ren’s forehead and running his thumb beneath Ren’s eyes, to wipe his face. “We’re together now, and we know that we both want this to work. We can make it, Ren.”

“We can make it.” Ren’s voice is weak, but his agreement is genuine. 

_**When did we cross the line?** _   
_**How could we forget?** _   
_**Why do we let the pressure get into our heads** _   
_**Your broken heart requires all of my attention** _   
_**’Cause something isn’t right and I don’t wanna fight you** _

Tokiya and Ren would hit a rough patch. Tokiya would have gotten quiet, and this time around, it’s Ren- worried about what might happen. Worried about Tokiya, and how he might react. And it would have gotten Tokiya on edge. 

But when he had seen the hurt expression on Ren’s face, when Ren hadn’t thought that Tokiya was looking, he’d be hit with a familiar feeling. He must have seen that expression before- perhaps in a different life. 

Tokiya would have went to Ren, holding him, and Ren’s arms would have wrapped around Tokiya in return. Tokiya’s voice is nothing more than a murmur. “Through all of this, I’ve managed to forget the most important thing, and I’m sorry.”

“The most important thing?” Ren’s voice is genuinely confused. 

“You.” Tokiya would have pressed a kiss to the underside of Ren’s jaw. “I get so caught up in things that I shouldn’t that I forget that I’m only pushing you out. I can’t rightfully keep you to myself, acting like a child.”

Ren’s grip would immediately tighten on Tokiya, and his voice is almost a bit scared. “Are you breaking up with me, Tokiya?”

Tokiya would rub Ren’s back, “No, Ren, I’m not. I promise. I- I’m going to try to change. I’m going to try to fix this.”

_**Please don’t lose your faith** _   
_**Don’t worry ‘cause I’m here to keep you safe** _   
_**I promise if you let me see your face** _   
_**That I won’t let you down** _

Tokiya would have done his best. His first instinct, to pull back, would never have left, but he would have bitten it back. 

One night, Ren would have been in bed, his back facing Tokiya, and Tokiya would have wrapped his arm around Ren’s waist, holding himself close to Ren. 

“Are you okay?” Tokiya’s voice is quiet.

Ren’s response would take a second. “I am.” His hand would move over Tokiya’s, his thumb running over the back of his hand. 

“I’m trying, Ren.” Tokiya’s voice would crack. “I’m sure I’m failing, in more regards than I can count, but I’m trying to figure this out for you.” Tokiya would pause. “For me, too. For _us_. I’m happy with you, Ren. And I think that you’re happy with me, sometimes, too. I want us to keep that. I… I don’t want you to be sad, Ren. But I know it’s not as easy as just wanting you to be happy- I want to be here for you.” 

Ren would turn, and when he does, he moves, pressing his forehead against Tokiya’s. “I know how hard you’re trying, baby. You’re doing so well. Of course I’m happy with you. And I’m happy to hear that you’re happy with me. That’s what matters, my love. You and I. And it’s still going to take some work, but I think we’re going to reach it, Toki. We just need to keep moving forward.”

“Yeah.” Tokiya would close his eyes, his hand moving to rest on Ren’s cheek. “We just need to keep moving forward.”


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paper Rings - Taylor Swift
> 
> (Good End 4)

_**The moon is high** _   
_**Like your friends were the night that we first met** _   
_**Went home and tried to stalk you on the internet** _   
_**Now I’ve read all of the books beside your bed** _

Tokiya would have been out of bed before he was even awake, rushing to the bathroom, stumbling over himself on the way. He’d fall, getting his head over the toilet seat in time to throw up. It’s only when he finally stops throwing up that he can truly focus on how much pain he’s in. 

His head is pounding, and his body has slumped over, giving up on itself. Tokiya had been quiet, even getting out of bed, and it hadn’t been enough to rouse Ren. Which is unsurprising, because Tokiya couldn’t understand where this terrible feeling had come from. He couldn’t find the energy to move, and his stomach felt like it had burst inside of his body. Breathing was painful, and Tokiya would glance into the toilet bowl, and he’d see a worrying amount of red. 

“Ren?” Tokiya’s throat hurts, and his voice is hoarse and shaking. He’s scared. 

Of course he is. 

He woke up to _this_ , and now he can’t even get up from his spot slumped against the toilet. 

Tokiya’s voice hadn’t quite been loud enough to wake Ren, but when Tokiya bursts into tears, he would see Ren shift, waking himself up. Ren would wake up, dazed, but when he’s aware enough to take in Tokiya’s crying, he’d rush to get up. “Toki?” His voice is slurred with sleep, but he seems to be coming to, as he makes his way to the bathroom. 

Ren would have turned the lights on in the bedroom, and he’d walk into the bathroom, reaching for the switch. 

“Wait-” Tokiya’s words come out a bit hysterical. “Please don’t turn it on.”

“Alright, baby, I’ll leave it off.” Ren would reassure quickly, but he’d move to Tokiya, kneeling down on the ground. “What’s wrong? Did you fall?”

Tokiya’s voice sounds childish. “I threw up blood.” He’d admit. He wants to wipe his face, but he can’t even lift his arm. It feels so heavy. “Everything hurts.”

Ren would glance to the toilet, and a look of something akin to panic would cross his face, and he’d stand. “I’m going to go call an ambulance. I’m going to be right back.”

Tokiya would slump further against the toilet, letting his eyes close. He can’t sleep- because when his eyes closed, he could only focus on the pain. Ren would be back, still making the call, though he’d be ending it. When Ren is off the phone, he’d put his hand on Tokiya’s knee, crouching down next to him again. “You’re going to be okay, baby. We’re going to get you help.” 

Tokiya would let out a weak sob, and Ren’s hand would carefully move to press the backs of his fingers to Tokiya’s cheek. “You’re burning up.” Ren would say quietly. His hand would move to pet through Tokiya’s hair. It was almost enough to make Tokiya feel better- but not enough to cancel out the pain. 

Tokiya would be brought to the hospital. They wouldn’t have found what was causing Tokiya’s symptoms, but a few days later the pain would finally stop. It would take a few more days before Tokiya would actually be released. 

Ren would have taken care of Tokiya- and it would have been a day or two of being at home before Tokiya would have finally read through the journal, and only a few days later, Tokiya would have sat himself down on the couch, the journal in his lap and a bottle of wine in his hand. When Ren walks in, he would have frowned. 

“Darling, you were just released from the hospital. Please be careful.” 

Tokiya’s expression would soften, but he’d pat the sofa cushion next to him. “Will you sit with me?”

Ren’s eyebrows would furrow, as he’d close the door behind him and head to the couch. 

“I want this to go a certain way.” Tokiya’s index finger is tracing the bottle. “So I’d like you to listen.” Ren would nod. “I have a book I’m going to show you- and then I’m just going to… talk. It’s going to be a lot, I think, but I need to say it, and I’m going to have enough trouble as it is, so I ask that you entertain me. Here.” Tokiya would hand the book to Ren, and then he’d take a drink from the bottle. 

Ren’s expression would turn sad, as he’d read through the journal. His jaw would tighten, but Tokiya had asked that he be the one to talk, so Ren would just look up at Tokiya when he had finished. 

“I’m going to sound insane, but stick with me.” Tokiya would give a tired, sheepish smile. “I’ve lived multiple lives. And in every goddamn one of them, I mess something up with you. I _can not_ manage to live a happy life with you- and then I live miserable because I lost you. And I can’t figure it out. I can not figure out what I’m doing wrong. What I’m missing. But that’s… that isn’t what I want to start with.” Tokiya would set the bottle in his lap, but then he’d shift, leaning against Ren. “I want to talk to you. In so much of this book, I’m living in the past. And I want to go back through some of the past. But I want to do it with you. Will you let me?”

Ren looks surprised, but his expression would soften, and his voice is quiet. “Of course.”

Tokiya would smile, his head on Ren’s shoulder. Ren would wrap his arm around Tokiya. “Remember when we first met? At the party? I’m pretty sure you were drinking with everyone else. Or maybe you were just acting like you were drunk. You were… crazy. And honestly? I was interested. Maybe a little annoyed, because you were hands down one of the rowdiest there- but still. Interested. After the party, I went around and asked everyone I could think of about you, to try to figure you out. I saw you carrying a book, one time, around campus. Well, I saw it in your bag- but I bought it. I was thinking that maybe I could read it, and then I could talk to you about it. I never did.” Tokiya would laugh, a bright sound, though he almost sounds close to tears, remembering it. “Because then _you_ started seeming interested in me, and I couldn’t make it _that_ easy on you.”

_**The wine is cold** _   
_**Like the shoulder that I gave you in the street** _   
_**Cat and mouse for a month, or two, or three** _   
_**Now I wake up in the night to watch you breathe** _

Tokiya would move, taking another sip from the bottle, though when he lowers it, part of it pressed against Ren’s leg, and Tokiya feels his very slight jolt, from the cold pressing through his pants. 

Tokiya would move the bottle, getting just a bit closer to Ren. 

“And then you started trying to get with me. I really was worried, at first, when I started learning about you- because I was worried that you’d just win me over and then move on to your next conquest. ...And then, months later, I finally gave in. Because even if I was a conquest- to have you be _so damn persistent_... it got me. You were serious enough to try that long, so I gave you a chance. And it was the best chance I’ve ever taken.” Tokiya would close his eyes, his forehead pressing to Ren’s neck. “This is going to sound creepy, but sometimes I have trouble sleeping. I have my entire life. But now, when I wake myself up, just… seeing you lying next to me is enough to help me fall asleep.”

Ren, true to his word, would stay quiet, but his grip would tighten on Tokiya.

_**Kiss me once ‘cause you know I had a long night** _   
_**Kiss me twice ‘cause it’s gonna be alright** _   
_**Three times ‘cause I’ve waited my whole life** _

“You were the only one there for me when my dad left, too.” Tokiya’s voice would have softened. “My mom was upset, and she was distancing herself- and you climbed the tree to get into my room, even though I’ve told you time and time again that you shouldn’t because I didn’t want you falling out and hurting yourself, but it was the first time you had actually seen me cry. And then you were really cheesy when you kissed me. Spouting nonsense about how emotional pain was just like physical pain, and how your kiss wouldn’t heal it but it would help make it feel better, but that you should do it twice, to make sure it really worked.” Tokiya’s laugh is tearful, but even with the sad memory, there’s a fondness in his voice. “And then I told you that the third time's the charm.” Tokiya can almost feel Ren’s soft smile. “And you stayed the night with me. It’s one of those things that I’m going to be eternally grateful for.”

_**I like shiny things, but I’d marry you with paper rings** _   
_**Darling, you’re the one I want.** _   
_**I hate accidents except when we went from friends to this** _   
_**Darling, you’re the one I want, and** _   
_**Paper rings and picture frames and dirty dreams** _

Tokiya would move, to pull away from Ren, so that he could sit on his knees and look at him. Tokiya would hold the bottle closer to himself. 

“This is going to sound cheesy.” Tokiya’s voice would break, just a bit, but he’d swallow hard. 

“I love you, Ren. You’re the only person I’ve ever loved, and the only person I’m ever going to. I know that we’re idols- and I know that we’re… extremely lucky. But if I could only choose one thing to have my entire life, it would be you. I’ve always pictured having a fancy, beautiful wedding- but I’d go through a drive through church with you, wearing a plastic, quarter machine ring, so long as we were together.” Tokiya would get red, and his laugh this time is sheepish. “I’ve never told you this-” Tokiya would take another sip from the bottle of wine. “I had never had a dirty dream, in almost all of my teenage years-” Tokiya would flush a darker red, the tip of his ears burning red, and the flush creeping down to his neck. “And then I started dating you. It’s always you.”

There are quite a few emotions on Ren’s face- his eyebrow is raised, but his hand would lift, to cup Tokiya’s face, and he’d smile. There’s some surprise in his expression.

_**In the winter, in the icy outdoor pool** _   
_**When you jumped in first, I jumped in, too** _   
_**I’m with you even if it makes me blue** _   
_**Which brings me back** _   
_**To the color that we painted your brother’s walls** _   
_**Honey, without the exes, fights and flaws** _   
_**We wouldn’t be standing here so proud** _

Tokiya would settle down, back onto the couch, settling back into Ren. “Then again- you really do bring out strange parts of me.” Tokiya’s voice is soft. Musing. “Like when we went to your brother’s home during winter break, and he offered to pay us, to pain his wall- and you chose the most ridiculous shade of blue, and we spent two hours covering the walls and _ourselves_ in the paint. When I dared you to jump into the pool, to wash it off, I really didn’t think you’d actually do it. But I didn’t really think I’d do with you, either.” Tokiya would give a tired smile, but it would falter. “And that book- if I hadn’t read about all of the mistakes I’d made, I wouldn’t be reminiscing like this. I wouldn’t have asked you to sit down with me, to talk. And I’m terrified that I’m still going to manage to push you out.”

_**I want to drive away with you** _   
_**I want your complications, too** _   
_**I want your dreary Mondays** _   
_**Wrap your arms around me, baby boy** _

Tokiya actually would start crying, setting down the bottle on the coffee table to wrap his arms tightly around Ren. Tokiya’s managed his way onto Ren’s lap, knocking off the book. Tokiya would lean forward, pressing his forehead against Ren’s. 

“I want to spend the rest of my life with you. The good, and the bad, and the boring.” Tokiya would let out a weak laugh. “I want to spend nights in your car, and I just don’t want to mess it up again, Ren. I love you.”

Ren would be quiet for a very long moment, and his voice is thick with emotion when he talks. “I love you, too, Toki.” Ren would pull back, and his eyes are shiny but his smile is wide. “I think you figured it out yourself. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to _talk_ to me, baby. And it sounds like that was what was missing in every relationship that didn’t work out. You like taking care of me- but I like taking care of you, too, you know. I just want you to let me.”

“I’ll do my best, Ren. I promise.”

“Then let’s start with no more drinking for a while, okay?” 

Tokiya’s smile turns sheepish. “I have one more confession to make.”

Ren’s eyebrow would quirk. 

“What you saw me drink was all that I’ve drank. I was just… trying to get confidence- but I’m still sober.”

Ren would make an exasperated, amused noise, and then he’d chuckle. “Well, it’s nice to hear that you aren’t drunk.” 

Tokiya would hum, pressing himself closer to Ren. He’d glance down to the couch, next to his leg, and his eyebrows would furrow. “Hmm? Did the book fall?”

Ren’s attention would have turned to the couch, a slight frown. “I’m not sure. It had been right there- and I don’t see it on the floor.” 

Tokiya would lean forward, resting his head on Ren’s chest. “It’s fine. Maybe it means that I’ve finally figured it out.”

Ren would get quiet for a second, resting his chin on Tokiya’s head. “You know- I think it might.”


	9. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I Think He Knows - Taylor Swift 
> 
> (Alternate End)

_**I think he knows his footprints**_  
 _ **On the sidewalk**_  
 _ **Lead to where I can’t stop**_  
 _ **Go there every night**_

When Tokiya wakes up, at first he feels fine. 

And then, all of the memories wash over him. 

His memories from all of his lives. His memories from this life. And then a pain would settle in his chest. 

Ren isn’t here. He had been placed in a different point in his life- one that was too late. Ren was gone. He had been, for over half a year now. Tokiya’s last chance had started too late. 

The pain, this round’s sickness, showed itself when Tokiya had stood up, because a pain would shoot up his back, and he’d fall forward. He wouldn’t be able to catch himself, and when he’d try to stand, only one of his legs would respond. He’d eventually pull himself up, limping his way outside of his apartment, to the elevator, pushing through the nearly unbearable pain. He’d find his way onto the roof. 

Tokiya isn’t sure what had drawn him to the roof, but it felt important to him that he be there. Tokiya would move slower, on his way to the ledge. 

Was it a drawing to kill myself? To jump?

It didn’t feel like it. 

He felt miserable. He felt worse than he had ever felt yet. He’s in pain, both physically and mentally- but he’s in so much pain that he doesn’t feel capable of making that decision. Especially not after he had just woken up. 

Tokiya would have taken one step closer to the ledge, and his leg would have given out completely, and he’d crumple, falling forward. Tokiya thinks he might fall over, but he hears footsteps, and he feels an arm around his chest, pulling him up, and when he feels his back press against someone’s chest, his pain lessens, just a bit. 

“Ren?” Tokiya’s voice is hoarse, and confused. 

“Not quite.” The voice is a bit dry, and gruff, and definitely _not_ Ren’s. Tokiya would try to back away, but the grip is relentless. “You’re headin’ back to the edge. That desperate ‘t throw yourself off?” 

“No, I-” Tokiya was panicking inside, and the man would sigh. Tokiya would feel himself being lifted up. “Wait, what-” 

“Calm down. ‘M takin’ you back to your apartment. If you wanna talk, we can talk there. It’s fuckin’ freezing out here, and you’re not even wearin’ a shirt.”

Tokiya would go a bit red. He hadn’t even registered the cold because of his pain, but with his pain lessened somewhat, pressed against the man, it was starting to feel cold. The man would go into the elevator, hitting the button to Tokiya’s floor. Tokiya wouldn’t bother questioning him yet. 

He’s a bit more suspicious when the man heads straight for Tokiya’s apartment, unlocking the door, but not enough to struggle. After all- this man had given him a magic notebook, and had appeared from nowhere three times on the roof at the perfect time. It shouldn’t be surprising that this man knew a lot about Tokiya. 

Tokiya would be set down on his bed, and the man would lean against the wall near it. Tokiya would groan, trying to adjust himself, and only really managing to make his pain worse. “I don’t get it. I don’t… I don’t get any of this- but how did? Sometimes when Ren touched me it helped the pain, but you-”

“I’ve got a lot ‘t do with all ‘a this. I gave you the book. ‘S not weird that I’d help the symptoms.”

“I have a lot of questions but-”

“You’re in pain. It’s fine. Get some rest. We can talk when you’re up.”

“Are you still going to be here?” Tokiya’s eyebrows would furrow. 

“I can be.” 

“...Alright.”

Tokiya would close his eyes. He’d feel a hand on his forehead, but when the pain recedes, Tokiya wouldn’t let it bother him, choosing to sleep, instead. 

When Tokiya wakes up, the man isn’t in his room. His back hurts less, but his leg still won’t work right, and he’d limp his way into the living room. The man is sitting on the couch, facing away from Tokiya, and Tokiya would limp his way closer, sitting down on the other side of the couch. 

“You know an awful lot about me.” Tokiya would comment. 

“Yeah, well, you’ve got my book. I’ve been watchin’ over you. You’ve had a real tough go ‘a things, though, damn.”

Tokiya would huff, looking away from Ranmaru. “That’s one way to put it.” He would sigh, looking back at Ranmaru. “What happened? Why did I start so far past Ren this time? Was I really _that_ destined to fail?”

“I dunno. I’m in charge ‘a the book, but I don’t control it. For whatever reason, it decided this was where it wanted to put ya.”

“I still don’t fully understand what the book does.”

“It’s alternate universes. All ‘a your other stories were _you_. They were just a different you. So when you wrote in the book, it transferred whatever consciousness you are into a different you in a different reality. So many universes are exactly the same, so that’s why it was like a do over. Problem is that most people don’t do well, hoppin’ realities, and that’s why you got so sick. But it’s more magic than science, and that’s why sometimes your partner helped- ‘cause you’re tryin’ ‘t change fate, and align your fate with his. Doin’ that made him an important object in your life, and the book, and fate, I guess, were tryin’ ‘t help ya. The book’s sentient. ...The book’s actually basically me.” The man would rub the back of his neck. “I can’t directly control it, ‘cause I’m just a sort ‘a projection. So the book’s basically my subconscious. And subconsciously, I wanna help you. Wanted to. Dunno what the book’s doing now, but there’s a reason it brought you here. Wish I could tell you why.”

“So you are the book?” Tokiya would frown. “That’s… interesting. I suppose everything else makes sense. But would… the reason that you know so much about me be because you are the book?”

“Exactly. I’ve basically been with you through all ‘a this, and anything you don’t have the book with ya for, you end up writing in it anyways.”

“Well.” Tokiya would sigh, leaning back into the couch. “At least I’ve got answers. Something came out of this last failure, then.”

“Aren’t ya gonna at least try ‘t go after Ren?” 

“Why would I?” Tokiya’s voice sounds miserable. “It hasn’t worked yet, and now even the book- or you, I guess, has given up on me. This life is already going downhill. I’ve quit STARISH, I don’t have Ren, I haven’t kept up with any of my friends and I’ve already started to develop a drinking problem.”

The man would lean back into the couch, putting his arms on the back of it. “Then maybe I’ll stick around. Maybe y’should give your last chance a real try. Maybe you won’t be happy without Ren- or maybe you’ll be able to find something. Least I can do is stick around. Give ya someone ‘t talk to while ya try to make more friends. I hope you’ve at least decided that I really am in your corner. Unless y’blame me for the bad endings.”

“I don’t. I figured those were me, and I think I’m still right about that. If you want to stay, and I’m not holding you back from anything, I don’t mind. But I don’t know your name.”

“Don’t have one.” The man would shrug, and Tokiya would blink, surprised. 

“Really?”

“Yeah. People don’t normally last this long, and the book doesn’t usually put ‘em past what they’re trying to do. I don’t talk to people enough to need a name.”

“You should choose one. Or at least come up with something that you’d like me to call you.”

“Give me a ‘lil bit. I’ll come up with somethin’.”

“Take your time. Names are important. When you’re given one, you have to make it your own, and when you make your own, you have to choose something that fits. It’s a big identity thing.”

“Hmm.” The man would raise an eyebrow. “I see.”

It would have taken two days for the man to have finally decided on something. Tokiya’s back pain had left, but his leg still hadn’t regained full function. 

When the man would have brought it up, he would have looked a bit unsure. “Think ‘ve figured somethin’ out. For a name.”

“Oh? What is it?”

“Ranmaru.”

“Ranmaru? I like it.” Tokiya would have smiled at Ranmaru, and Ranmaru would have glanced away, his face almost a bit red. 

“Thanks.”

As time had progressed, Ranmaru would have stayed in Tokiya’s apartment, sleeping on Tokiya’s couch. Tokiya didn’t often leave his apartment, so he spent most of his time sleeping and speaking to Ranmaru. 

Tokiya visited the roof at night a lot. 

He still thought of Ren- but not nearly as much as he thought he would. Ranmaru was good at keeping Tokiya from keeping himself miserable. 

Tokiya would sit on the ledge of the building. 

When Tokiya would stay in bed, letting himself dwell in his thoughts, Ranmaru would come in with some sort of excuse- to ask a question, or to get Tokiya to try something he had cooked. 

Ranmaru had really gotten into cooking. It was the main reason why Tokiya ate well. And the main reason he ever got out of the apartment- to go with Ranmaru to the grocery store, so he could pick up ingredients. Often times, Ranmaru would stop by the library. The first few times, Tokiya hadn’t gotten any books, but Ranmaru had kept persisting on going inside, pointing out books until he had finally pointed one out that had really peaked Tokiya’s interest. 

Ranmaru and Tokiya spoke often. It was nice, having someone else in the apartment. 

It wasn’t easy to keep himself sad when he had someone constantly around him trying to keep him from doing that. 

Tokiya would hear footsteps on the roof, and he wouldn’t turn around. He already knew who it was. 

“You gonna jump?”

“Who knows? Probably not.” Ranmaru would have sat down next to Tokiya, but closer than he had on the first night. “On that first night, if I had decided to jump- would you have stopped me?”

“I wouldn’t have.”

“And now?”

Ranmaru would stay quiet, and his voice would drop. “I would.”

_**I think he knows his hands around** _   
_**A cold glass** _   
_**Makes me wanna know that** _   
_**Body likes it’s mine** _

Ranmaru had started getting more and more comfortable with Tokiya- and Tokiya had with Ranmaru, too. 

Tokiya had found a new interest- in watching Ranmaru cook. He’d sit on a stool in front of the island, resting his chin on his forearm, watching Ranmaru. 

Tokiya had started seeing Ranmaru differently, over the months he had been spending with him. Tokiya wasn’t sure when the shift had happened. Maybe when their conversations had started to flow easier, or maybe when Ranmaru had started making book recommendations- more often correct than incorrect. Or maybe it was now, watching Ranmaru’s hands wrap around the can, holding it up to read the instructions. 

Tokiya wondered what it would feel like, to have Ranmaru’s hand, wrapped around his own. Or to have his hand on his side- or to

“What’re you lookin’ at me like that for?” Ranmaru was looking at Tokiya now, and Tokiya’s eyes would widen, his face going bright red. 

“It was nothing!” Tokiya would blurt out, getting off of the stool. “I’m going to go read.” 

Tokiya wouldn’t see Ranmaru watching him with a quirked eyebrow- but he doesn’t seem surprised or confused. 

_**He got that boyish look that I like in a man** _   
_**I am an architect, I’m drawing up the plans** _   
_**It’s like I’m seventeen, and no one understands** _

As time continued, Tokiya would find himself watching Ranmaru, when he thinks that Ranmaru doesn’t notice him watching. 

It would take a long time for Tokiya to figure out his own thoughts. He hadn’t forgotten about Ren. He had five and a half lives of missing Ren- it was impossible to _forget_ about Ren. 

But it didn’t stop him from thinking about Ranmaru. 

Sometimes, when Tokiya felt the hopeless feeling creep up on him- he’d actually go seek out Ranmaru, to talk about anything, to keep his mind away from it.

Ranmaru managed to make him laugh, more than he can remember laughing in a long time. Since Ren. 

Tokiya liked Ranmaru. 

He wasn’t sure if it was _right_. He also wasn’t sure if it was wrong. 

But Ranmaru was undeniably attractive - both his personality and his looks. Tokiya wasn’t sure if he had a type, but if he did, Ranmaru probably fell under it. 

Tokiya wondered if he should tell Ranmaru. If he were right to tell Ranmaru. It was like he was a kid again. 

_**He got my heartbeat** _   
_**Skipping down 16th Avenue** _   
_**Got that, oh! I mean** _   
_**Wanna see what’s under that attitude** _   
_**Like, I want you, bless my soul** _   
_**And I ain’t gotta tell him** _   
_**I think he knows** _

It had been months after Tokiya’s realization, and he’d slowly start to notice his own reactions to being around Ranmaru. 

He’d notice his heart rate beat faster when Ranmaru would get closer to him. What he wouldn’t notice is how Ranmaru would start purposefully sitting closer to him, or brushing by him on his way past Tokiya. The way Ranmaru would casually put his hand on Tokiya’s shoulder, to point something out. Or when he’d offer to carry Tokiya’s bag of books and their hands would brush. 

Tokiya could almost hear his heart race when Ranmaru would have sat next to him. 

“How’s your leg doin’?”

“It’s still not great.” Tokiya would sigh. “It hurts a lot sometimes. More than I feel like it should.”

“And right now?”

Tokiya would glance away, but it’s enough of an answer for Ranmaru. 

“Here. Give me your leg.”

“What?” Tokiya would make a noise, mostly of amusement. 

“I’m serious. C’mon.” Tokiya thinks his face is red, but he can tell that Ranmaru isn’t kidding. 

Tokiya would shake his head, but he’d shift, and Ranmaru would help Tokiya adjust until Tokiya’s hurt leg was resting on Ranmaru’s lap. Tokiya’s leg had hurt that day, but the pain had lessened. Ranmaru would have carefully pressed down on Tokiya’s calf, seeming genuinely focused. 

“Would getting medical attention do anything?” Tokiya would ask. 

“‘M not sure. I don’t think so.” Ranmaru would sigh. Tokiya could feel that his leg wasn’t giving right. Where Ranmaru’s thumb had pressed into his leg felt hard- and it seemed like it should be painful. It probably would be, if Tokiya were checking over his leg himself. “‘M not sure what’s wrong with it, but if it hasn’t resolved itself yet, I don’t think it’s gonna, Toki.”

“I didn’t think it would.” Tokiya would admit quietly. Ranmaru would have set his hand on Tokiya’s shin, and would have just kept his hand there. 

“How bad is the pain? Don’t think I’ve seen y’this relaxed in a while.”

“It can get bad. Some days, it’s really painful, and other days it’s an ache. An annoyance, I guess.”

Ranmaru would get quiet. “Just lemme know on the days it gets real bad, alright?”

Tokiya would watch him, and then he’d look away. “...Thanks, Ran.”

Ranmaru was often openly rough, and to say he could have an attitude may have been putting it lightly- but he was always kind to Tokiya. 

And seeing Ranmaru when he was sleepy was Tokiya’s favorite thing. Tokiya knew that his smiles were softer, seeing Ranmaru in the morning. 

Tokiya was pretty sure that Ranmaru knew it, too. 

_**When we get all alone** _   
_**I’ll make myself at home** _   
_**And he’ll want me to stay** _

“I’m going to have to stay in today.” Tokiya would have made his way from the bed to the couch, but that was as far as he was going to get. He was trying to hide it, but he was genuinely upset. Thursday was the day that Ranmaru and Tokiya went out together, and Tokiya hated that he was going to miss it. “You can go without me.”

Ranmaru would have clicked his tongue. “‘M not gonna leave you. We can go out whenever you feel better.” He would have went to the couch, sitting by Tokiya’s feet. He’d set his hand on Tokiya’s hurt leg. “C’mon.”

Tokiya’s face would go a bit red, though he could already feel the pain lessen. Not entirely, but down to a far more bearable level. “You don’t-”

“Shut up.” Ranmaru is gentle with straightening Tokiya’s leg. “Why bother just lettin’ it hurt if you have a way to help?” His voice is almost a grumble. 

“I know you gave me an answer before, when I asked- but I want to ask again.” Tokiya would watch Ranmaru’s face closely. “How does it work? How can you help with the pain?”

Ranmaru would have glanced away, going a bit pink. “I don’t completely get it. I didn’t completely get exactly how it worked with Ren, either, but I think it’s the same. It’s the feelings, mixed with the importance, mixed with the book.”

“The feelings?” Tokiya can feel his heart beat faster, but then a confused feeling would wash over him. “I didn’t have feelings for you on the first night.”

“It goes both ways, Toki.” Ranmaru’s voice is a mumble.

“Both-?” Tokiya’s eyebrows would furrow, and then his face would relax as his eyes would widen. “Oh.”

“‘Ve seen you for five lifetimes. Might as well as fuckin’ let you know now-” Ranmaru’s face is definitely red now, but he almost looks a bit… guilty. “I didn’t lie ‘t you when I told you that I didn’t know why the book took you _here_ , but I think I’ve figured it out.” Ranmaru would sigh. “You’re here because subconsciously I wanted a chance with you. …’M sorry about that. ‘S not what should’ve happened.”

Tokiya would get quiet for a long moment. “I love Ren.” Ranmaru would tense, and Tokiya could see him swallow hard, and nod. But Tokiya would continue. “I’ve had five chances with him, and I’ve ruined every one. I have no right or reason to expect that I wouldn’t just ruin my last chance, too. And I’m sure you know just as well as I do that I’ve spent more time being miserable than I have being happy. You don’t need to look so guilty, Ran. I’m not angry.” Tokiya would move to try to sit up, and Ranmaru would stop him, stabilizing his leg with one hand and pressing back down on Tokiya’s shoulder with the other, and Tokiya’s expression would soften. “I know your intentions were good. I know they still are.”

_**Lyrical smile, indigo eyes, we can follow the sparks** _   
_**I’ll drive** _

Tokiya’s favorite expression of Ranmaru’s was his smile. 

“I think you likely already know this.” Tokiya is leaning on the island, giving Ranmaru a serious look. Ranmaru is leaning on the other side, their faces only inches apart. “But I think it’s worth saying it anyways-”

“Go sit down.” Ranmaru would have interrupted him. “You’re trembling.”

“Stop interrupting my confession.” Tokiya would go a bit pink, but he’d huff. 

Ranmaru would have stopped, his eyes too wide. Tokiya would have met his eyes. They were pretty- the cool grey and the bright pink. Captivating. 

“I like you, Ran.”

“What about Ren?” Ranmaru’s expression would turn a bit cautious, and Tokiya would sigh, his eyebrows furrowing. 

“I won’t lie to you. I’m not entirely over him. After spending so long trying to fix our relationship and being sad over messing it up- it’s going to stick with me. But if you’ve seen me over all of my failed attempts- you should know that this is the closest that I’m ever going to be to getting over him, and it’s because of _you_ that I’m not unhappy. I’ve fallen for you, Ran, and I mean that. And I want to be with you, if you want to be with me.”

Ranmaru’s expression would soften, and then he’d smile at Tokiya. It’s such a gentle expression. He’d make his way around the counter, and Tokiya would move, to wrap his arms around Ranmaru. Ranmaru would return the embrace, and they’d stand there, for a minute. Ranmaru would move, his voice lowering, speaking near Tokiya’s ear. “I’ll give you my answer after you’re sittin’ down.”

Tokiya would laugh, resting his head against Ranmaru’s shoulder. “Fine. I’ll sit down.” 

“‘N I’ll go out with you.” Ranmaru’s voice is teasing. “If you insist.”

Tokiya would snort, though he still hasn’t pulled away from Ranmaru. “Hmph. I think the least you could do is help me to the couch.” Tokiya’s voice is definitely teasing, but Ranmaru would pull away and pick Tokiya up. 

Tokiya would wrap his arms around Ranmaru’s neck. “I was joking, you know.” Tokiya’s voice still sounds amused, and Ranmaru would make his way to the couch. 

Ranmaru’s hand would move, resting on Tokiya’s leg. 

“Just so y’know.” Ranmaru would say, his voice no more than a murmur. “I’m sure you’ve figured it out, but I feel the same. I really do care about ya, Toki. A whole fuckin’ lot.”

It would have been nearly two months later when Tokiya would have been woken up by a horrible pain in his leg. He would have turned to his side, watching Ranmaru. Even in the dark, he could see Ranmaru’s chest moving, slow and steady, and his calm expression. 

Tokiya didn’t want to wake up Ranmaru, because this had been the third night in a row where his leg had really started to bother him, and Ranmaru had stayed up all night, helping Tokiya. But when it had gotten worse, Tokiya had forced himself up, to go to the roof. 

Tokiya would have gone to sit near the edge. He would have been surprised to hear footsteps approaching him. “You’re not gonna jump, are ya?” 

Tokiya would have turned his head, but he would have felt an arm wrapping around his chest. 

“I’m not.” Tokiya would reassure quietly. 

“C’mon. ‘M worried about you bein’ that close to the edge.”

Tokiya’s expression would have softened, but he would have listened to Ranmaru. Tokiya wouldn’t have been on his feet for very long, after Ranmaru would have noticed how badly Tokiya’s limp was. 

“Why wouldn’t ya just wake me up?”

“It’s been days in a row.” Tokiya would mumble. “I can’t keep waking you up every time.”

“Sure y’can. If you’re in pain, you’re in pain.”

“You’re sweet.” Tokiya would have pressed his forehead against Ranmaru’s shoulder, as Ranmaru would make his way back to Tokiya’s room, laying him down in the bed. Ranmaru would move to the bottom of the bed, his hand moving to Tokiya’s leg. When the pain fades, Tokiya is hit with a wave of exhaustion.

“Hey, Ran.” 

“Hmm?”

“I’d tell you how much I love you.” Tokiya would give a sleepy smile. “But I think you already know.”


	10. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't Wanna Know - Maroon Five 
> 
> (Bad Ending One)

_**I don’t wanna know, know, know** _   
_**Who’s taking you home, home, home** _   
_**And loving you so, so, so, so** _   
_**The way I used to love you, no** _

The amount of pain that Tokiya is in when he wakes up is unbelievable. His entire body aches, and he can barely even breathe. It feels like someone’s set an entire bench press directly on his chest. It’s hard to see, and he feels dizzy, even lying down. He would reach out, finding Ren and holding on tightly. There was a very slight relief, but it didn’t compare to the pain Tokiya was in. 

Tokiya was unable to even move, up until he’d be forced to, coughing so hard that he’d have to sit up, taking his hand from Ren to couch into his elbow. Ren would turn the lights on, fumbling, and when Tokiya finally stops coughing, he’d pull his arm away to see a decent amount of blood on his forearm. 

Tokiya would whimper, even though it feels like knives, cutting the inside of his throat. He would have to fall back to the bed, because he doesn’t have enough energy to keep himself raised, but Ren is hovering over him, looking terrified. 

Tokiya’s breathing is still labored, and it’s bad enough that Ren can tell. Tokiya thinks he’s wheezing. All of his muscles feel like they’re cramping up, and Tokiya can feel himself trembling, just slightly. His heart is working too hard, trying to get his body regulated, and his fever is so high that Tokiya _feels_ hot. 

“I’m calling an ambulance.” Ren would already be reaching for his phone, and Tokiya doesn’t have the ability to argue with him on it, even if he wanted to. Tokiya feels like he’s losing consciousness, and he isn’t sure if he should sleep or not- but the pain he’s in is enough to convince himself to let himself sleep, listening to Ren explain the situation to the emergency line operator, before his voice would seem to quiet as Tokiya would slip into an uncomfortable sleep. 

He would have been unconscious for two days, and while his body had shown signs of all of the trauma he had woken up with, when he had actually woken up, his body hadn’t shown any of the damage that it should have. It was considered a tentative miracle- but it still hadn’t erased the memory of the pain Tokiya had gone through. 

When Tokiya was able to think through everything- he’d find that he remembered things he shouldn’t. He remembered every timeline he had failed. He remembered the hopelessness, and the feeling would return quickly, and he can’t seem to shake it away. 

There’s a familiarity, when Ren eventually leaves. Of course, Tokiya had been in a worse medical condition this time, and Ren would have stayed longer, to make sure that Tokiya was healthy. For some time, Ren seemed to believe that Tokiya’s attitude had come from the unpredictable pain- but when Tokiya’s emptiness had stuck around, Ren would finally have to admit that Tokiya had changed, and for the worse. 

It was a familiar break up. An apologetic one- because Ren couldn’t fix Tokiya, and he couldn’t just watch Tokiya crash and burn, either. 

A year later, Tokiya would have started suspecting that Ren had found someone new to care for him. Tokiya would have avoided Ren, more than usual, when he had suspected that Ren found someone. Tokiya wanted to believe, for himself, that Ren hadn’t found someone that made him happier than Tokiya. 

It didn’t make Tokiya feel good about himself, but he had six timelines of Ren leaving him weighing heavily on his shoulders, and he knew that he wasn’t going to be able to try again.

Tokiya had failed.

_**Wasted** _   
_**And the more I drink, the more I think about you** _   
_**Oh no, no, I can’t take it** _   
_**Baby, every place I go reminds me of you** _

Tokiya had picked back up both of his worst habits. He smoked- though it was usually only a smoke or two a day, because he usually didn’t like to go outside, and he wouldn’t smoke in his apartment. It wasn’t his, after all. 

The other habit was drinking. He drank heavier than he had in his last timeline. He already thought of Ren often, but when he was drunk, he couldn’t seem to do anything but go over all of his lives, and all of his mistakes, over and over again. 

Tokiya rarely left his home, because it seemed that no matter where he went, there were memories attached. 

Some of them were old memories of Ren- ones that he had lived through, time and time again. Ones that were nice- but only made Tokiya miss Ren worse when they ended. 

And then there were the memories that he shouldn’t even have. And this time, he couldn’t blame the book. This time around, he hadn’t even touched it. He remembered everything in it first hand- and together, it hurt. It made the hopeless feeling stronger. He couldn’t seem to shake it. 

The booze made it worse, but it never stopped Tokiya’s drinking. 

_**Do you think of me?** _   
_**Of what we used to be?** _   
_**Is it better now that I’m not around?** _   
_**My friends are actin’ strange** _   
_**They don’t bring up your name** _   
_**Are you happy now?** _

Tokiya would be left with the thought, once again, of wondering if Ren ever thought of Tokiya. 

Tokiya remembered the very first time he had broken up with Ren. The most respectable split that Tokiya felt they had- because Tokiya had never been weighed down by the miserable feeling of not having Ren. Tokiya was horrible. 

Tokiya was selfish. 

He should have just let Ren go the first time. 

Tokiya couldn’t help but wonder if Ren really was doing better without Tokiya. If Ren had finally found someone that could actually make him happy, in the way Tokiya knew that Ren deserved. 

Tokiya’s desperation to make his relationship work came from his desperate want to be the person that could make Ren happy. 

Tokiya, even in his most selfish fantasies, would never want Ren to be miserable. 

He only wanted to be the reason Ren was happy. He wanted to go back to their high school days, when _Tokiya_ was the reason that Ren had started to become more adult. More outwardly caring, and responsible. Less rebellious and more openly clever.

Even if Tokiya wanted to ask about Ren, he felt strange, in the very rare occurrences that he met with the old members of STARISH.

No one ever mentioned Ren around Tokiya. 

Tokiya wondered if that meant that Ren really was doing good. Maybe even better than he had been with Tokiya.

_**And every time I go out** _   
_**I hear it from this one, I hear it from that one** _   
_**That you got someone new** _

The boys hated watching Tokiya sit in his apartment, drinking himself away. 

But the problem was that when he left, he was surrounded by all of the gossiping. Ren had been an idol- and when Ren had found another woman, another popular idol. They were getting married. 

It was going to be a popular wedding. 

It was on magazines, and teenage girls were talking about it. 

Tokiya would have stopped letting his old bandmates take him out. 

He didn’t want to think about how happy Ren was without him. Tokiya had already figured out that Ren was better off without him- he didn’t want _proof_ , too.

Tokiya would have gone home, and his eyes would have landed on his bed stand. The book wasn’t there. 

It felt like a sign. 

Tokiya would have forgone the cigarette, and the bottle of alcohol, and he would have just went up to the roof. 

He would sit down, staring at the skyline. 

Unsurprisingly, no one comes this time. There are no more books- there are no more chances. 

Tokiya was at least twenty stories up. 

He was glad Ren was happy, but that didn’t change the facts. 

Tokiya had six chances, and he failed every one.


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wouldn't mind - He is We
> 
> (True End)

_**Merrily we fall out of line, out of line** _   
_**I’d fall anywhere with you, I’m by your side** _   
_**Swinging in the rain, singing melodies** _   
_**We’re not going anywhere until we freeze** _

Tokiya wouldn’t open his eyes when he first woke up. He could tell that it was late morning, and he doesn’t think that Ren is in the bed next to him, but he’s afraid to reach out to see. 

Tokiya can feel how tense his body is, and he’s afraid to move and to see the extent of the pain he’s in. While he’s still, it’s bearable, but he can already feel the discomfort starting and he hasn’t shifted at all. When Tokiya finally moves, he has to stop, his eyes opening with the pain. It was intense, and if it hadn’t been as intense as it was, Tokiya likely wouldn’t have been able to remain quiet. Tokiya had managed to move to his side, but he’s stuck there. It’s only a moment, but the pain increases quickly until he’s in tears. 

Tokiya would have been there for nearly twenty minutes in excruciating pain before Ren would have entered the bedroom to check on him. It had been nearly two in the afternoon. 

“Toki? Baby?” Ren’s voice is soft, a bit worried, but not overly worried yet. Tokiya would try to make a noise, but it comes out as a whimper, and that would get Ren’s attention. Ren would move to Tokiya’s side quickly, his hand moving onto Tokiya’s side, looking at his face. Tokiya’s breathing would come out shaky, but Ren’s hand had actually alleviated some of the pain. Enough for Tokiya to speak. 

“Everything hurts.” Tokiya would breathe out, still crying. “Lay down with me, please.”

“Baby, I’m not sure if-” Ren’s uncertainty shows in his face, but Tokiya would give him a pleading look. 

“Please?” His voice would crack. Tokiya would try to force himself to move, to give Ren space, but Ren would stop him. True to Tokiya’s guess, he felt significantly less miserable where Ren was touching. 

“Okay, okay, I’ll lay with you. But you should stay still.” Tokiya would feel worse again when Ren’s hand would leave him, but Ren would move quickly. Ren would climb into the bed, and Tokiya would force himself to turn, unable to keep in his pained noises. “Toki-” Tokiya would have gotten onto his other side, pressing himself against Ren. The amount of pain that had disappeared, pressed against Ren, was almost unbelievable. Tokiya would let out a sob of relief, but it would be misunderstood. “I think we need to get you to a hospital.”

“This feels better.” Tokiya’s voice is still pained, but it’s much easier to talk. “I don’t know why, but please- it’s… standable now.”

“What’s going on, darling? What hurts?”

“Everything. My entire body feels like it’s been through a meat grinder, and I don’t know _why_. I… just stay here with me for a little bit, please.”

Ren would sigh. “I don’t like seeing you in pain. ...If it doesn’t get any better, we have to take you in.”

“Later.” Tokiya would relent. “Just stay here for now.”

Tokiya would have managed to fall asleep, cuddling up to Ren. Ren would have taken a while to hold Tokiya back, scared to hurt him, but when he finally had, Tokiya had untensed further, and Ren would have begun to rub Tokiya’s back, still holding him loosely, but holding him. 

When Tokiya would have woken up, he’s still in a lot of pain, but Ren isn’t in the bed. Ren would have exited the bathroom, but would have moved to the side of the bed so that he could see Tokiya’s face. There’s still pain on his face, and Ren would frown when Tokiya would hold out his hands. Even as Ren is speaking to him, he’d still be climbing into the bed. “Baby, I’m glad that I’m helping, but it’s not fixing the problem. You need medical attention if you’re in pain.”

“It’s getting better.” Tokiya’s voice is raspy. Ren would sigh, clearly not believing Tokiya, but Tokiya would speak up quickly. “Really. It wasn’t as bad when I woke up.”

“You’re clinging to me, babe.”

“But I feel almost entirely better next to you, now.” Tokiya would mumble, closing his eyes. He still felt sleepy. “I didn’t wake up when you left. Just stay until I fall asleep?”

Ren would sigh. “You know I will. But if it isn’t bearable without me when you wake up, there’s no more arguing.”

“Alright.” Tokiya would relent, his voice the quietest it’s been yet. 

When Tokiya wakes up, Ren is still in the bed, asleep. Ren is still holding onto Tokiya, but the position is different and Tokiya thinks that Ren had gotten up, and Tokiya wonders how long he’s been asleep. He would stay still until Ren woke up, though he isn’t able to fall back asleep. Ren would finally wake up, giving a soft hum. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine, with you.” Tokiya would press his cheek to Ren’s chest. “I haven’t let go of you yet.”

“I’m afraid that you’re going to have to. If you’re still in pain, there’s likely something wrong.” 

Tokiya would hide his face in Ren’s chest, and his voice would break. “I’m scared to.” He’d admit. 

Ren’s hand would move to Tokiya’s hair. “I know, honey. It’s going to be okay.”

Tokiya would very slowly let go of Ren, and Ren would let go of Tokiya, to prop himself on his elbow. Tokiya isn’t hit with an immense pain- but he can’t deny that he’s sore. “I don’t feel well, but it isn’t hospital bad.” 

Ren would give Tokiya a long look. “You’re being honest with me?”

“If it hurt as badly as it had, I wouldn’t be able to hide it.” 

Ren would lie back down, and he’d wrap an arm around Tokiya. “I won’t make you go. But I want you to take it easy for a few days- alright?”

“Alright.” 

Ren would give Tokiya a soft smile, pressing his hand to Tokiya’s cheek, and kissing his forehead. “I’m glad you’re starting to feel better. You scared me, you know.”

“It came out of nowhere.” Tokiya would sigh, letting his eyes close. “But I’m glad I feel better, too. Thank you, for taking care of me.”

“I don’t know that I’d call that taking care of you- but if it helped, then it was worth it.”

Tokiya would smile. 

The next day, he’d look into the book. He’d take the lessons seriously, and when Ren had come in to check on him, Tokiya would have set his hand on the bed. “Will you sit with me? I have something I’d like to show you.”

Ren’s eyebrows would furrow, but he’d sit on the bed. 

“This seems strange. It’s a bit strange to me, too. But I think I’ve been through multiple… timelines? Lives? I’m not sure. In all of them, I don’t think I’ve ever really _understood_ exactly what this is, or what the true implications are. But it seems like I can’t figure out how to keep us happy. I’ve lived five lives with you and every time I lose you- and it’s evidently _my_ fault, and I can’t figure out what I kept doing wrong. I was hoping you could help me.”

Ren would watch Tokiya’s face, but when Tokiya holds out the leather bound book, Ren would take it. It would be quiet across both of them as Ren would read through the book, and Ren’s expression turns sad. Tokiya’s attention is on Ren, and Ren would close the book, looking up at Tokiya. 

“I don’t want that to happen, Ren. I want us to work.”

“I do too, baby. But I think you’ve been overthinking this, the entire time.” Ren would set the book down, a frown still pulling down the corners of his mouth. “You just need to _talk_ to me, Toki. What could have saved us in all of these examples was communication. We just… didn’t have it.”

“Is it really that simple?”

“It is. I know you well, Toki, but even I can’t see inside of your head. When you distance yourself, or you lie- I can’t always tell what you really mean, baby. You can’t fix everything by yourself, and I can’t help if I don’t know exactly what’s wrong.” Ren would kiss Tokiya’s forehead. “But don’t forget, either, that nothing is broken yet. I love you. And as long as we’re both giving it our all, that’s enough to keep up the relationship. We aren’t always going to be perfect, my love, but if we stay on the same page, we can make this work. And one of the most important things is knowing that we both want it to.”

Tokiya would lean his head on Ren’s shoulder, and he’d smile. 

STARISH would have been hit, less than a year later, by a rumor- of Ren and Tokiya’s relationship. The band would have suffered, and Ren and Tokiya would have dropped out, to try to let the other boys continue. 

It was a miserable time for everyone. 

“Are you okay, baby?” Ren would have asked, lying in bed with Tokiya one night, holding him. “I know you loved being an idol. Are you really alright with this?”

“It… it feels like a part of my life has fallen away.’” Tokiya would admit. “And I wish we were still in the band. But at the end of the day- I chose you. And I’d choose you, over and over again, because I love you and I want to be with you. Because yes, being an idol had made me happy. But I liked being an idol _with_ you. Because I’ve lost a lot less, giving up being an idol, than I would have lost if I had given you up.”

Ren would have kissed Tokiya, as soon as he had finished talking, and Tokiya would have kissed him back, pulling himself closer to Ren. 

“You are my best friend, and the love of my life.” Tokiya would speak again, when they had pulled away. There are tears in his eyes, and a soft smile on his face. “My choice would always be you.”

“Let’s move.” Ren would murmur, his thumb running over Tokiya’s side. “Go somewhere not in the city. We could go somewhere nice, and quiet, and it could just be me and you, and all of your books.” Ren’s smile is teasing, but his expression shows his adoration. Tokiya would give a light laugh. 

“I’d love that. It sounds perfect.”

It wouldn’t be long until they had found a place. It was a more rural area, with a beautiful view of trees, and rivers, and plants and flowers. 

The day they would have arrived, it would have rained. Ren would have pulled Tokiya under the shade of the porch, and he would have pulled him into a kiss. “We did it, baby.”

“And I’m incredibly happy about it.” Tokiya’s smile would be one of the brightest Ren had seen. 

_**I’m not afraid anymore, I’m not afraid** _

Tokiya would be sitting on the couch, a book in his hand, leaning against Ren. 

“What ever happened to that journal?” Ren would muse, his voice almost distant. 

“I’m not sure. And frankly, I don’t think I care.”

“Oh?”

“I don’t need it. It was the only resource I thought I had- and I clung to it. And it turns out that I was wrong.”

“Wrong?”

“It turns out that my greatest resource to help us stay together was you.” Tokiya would have closed his book, settling into Ren’s side. “Are you happy, Ren?”

“The happiest I’ve ever been.”

“Then I’ve finally figured it out.” Tokiya’s eyes would close, his head on Ren’s shoulder. “I never shared my burdens with you, because I was afraid that it would make you unhappy. Keeping them to myself was making _me_ unhappy. It makes sense to me, now, that sharing it would lessen the pressure. And without all of the anxiety- there’s less… fear. Once I finally got past myself and started speaking to you, it’s… become easy.”

Ren would hold onto Tokiya tightly. “To hear you say that means more than you know, baby.”

_**Forever is a long time** _   
_**But I wouldn’t mind spending it by your side** _

“Do you think that we can make it?” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. It’s late at night, and he isn’t even sure that Ren is awake, but Ren’s tired hum would show that he is. At least a little. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Do you… do you think that hoping we’re together the rest of our lives is too… big of an expectation?”

Ren would have turned over, to look at Tokiya, and he’d have taken Tokiya’s hand, holding it tightly. “Where is this coming from?”

Tokiya’s voice would drop, getting quieter. “I want to. I want to spend the rest of forever with you.”

“I hope you don’t think that you’re going to scare me away with promises of forever.” Ren’s smile is teasing, but it’s soft. “Because I would love to spend the rest of my life with you, Tokiya Ichinose.”

_**Carefully we’re placed for our destiny** _   
_**You came and you took this heart and set it free** _   
_**Every word you write or sing is so warm to me** _   
_**I’m torn, I’m torn to be right where you are** _

Tokiya would have sat himself outside of the bedroom, his eyes closed. Ren had thought that he was out on the porch, reading, and he had taken the chance to take out his saxophone. When Tokiya had come inside, to get a drink, he had heard Ren’s playing and had sat outside of the door, to listen to it. Tokiya loved listening to Ren play. It sent a warm, happy feeling through his chest, and it was just _pleasing_ to listen to. 

Tokiya would have curled in on himself, resting his head on the wall, listening to Ren play. He would have roused when he had felt himself being lifted, realizing that there wasn’t any music playing. Tokiya would shift, wrapping one arm around Ren’s neck, his other arm pinned between himself and Ren’s chest. 

“You nearly gave me a heart attack, when I walked out and saw you sleeping outside of the door.” Ren would sigh. “You really shouldn’t nap on the floor, Toki.”

“I didn’t mean to fall asleep.” Tokiya would mumble, his eyes already closing. “But I wanted to listen to you play.” 

Ren’s noise would be a lot of things. Amused, exasperated, flattered. “Next time, just ask. I’d be more than happy to play something for you. You don’t need to hide outside of the door.”

“You know-” Tokiya’s voice is still just a mumble, and when Ren lays him in the bed, Ren would just climb in with him, before Tokiya could ask. “Out of all of the lives I’ve lived where I haven’t been able to keep you- this live still feels like the one I’m supposed to have. To be happy, with you. To have you, happy and with me. It’s easy to imagine how miserable I could be, especially without you- and reading that old book had showed me that it’s easy to get there. You are what makes me happy, Ren, and every single day I think about how goddamn lucky I am to have you in my life.”

“You’ve been keeping up your end, too, Toki. You’ve been talking to me. And when you’re not miserable, you can really show how sweet and thoughtful you are. I’m happy, too, baby, because you’re doing just as much for me in this relationship as I’m doing for you. I adore you, you know.” 

Tokiya would let out a bright, tearful, happy laugh, pressing his forehead to Ren’s. “God, am I happy to hear you say that. I’m rather fond of you, too.”

Ren would smile, leaning in to kiss Tokiya. 

_**You so know me** _   
_**Pinch me gently** _   
_**I can hardly breathe** _

Tokiya would have woken up before Ren, and he’d have to still, watching Ren. His breath would catch in his throat, and his expression would soften. 

Ren was beautiful. His hair had fallen away from his face, onto the pillow, and his expression was so pure when he was asleep. He looked so much younger. 

Tokiya felt like he was in a dream. If he was, he was alright staying in it. 

Ren really was his perfect partner.

Tokiya hadn’t thought that he was capable of change. It had taken him some time- but now, he was grateful he had Ren. He was grateful he had changed. 

Tokiya was finally happy.


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Envy - Bowling For Soup
> 
> (Bad End 2)

_**I found your Poison T-shirt** _   
_**Look what the cat dragged in** _   
_**Feels like only yesterday** _   
_**I remember when we said the word forever** _   
_**But that’s all over now** _

When Tokiya wakes up, he can’t breathe. He tries to move, and when he gets onto his side, he can almost take short breaths, but he feels lightheaded. He’s staring at Ren, his breathing now audible with how short it’s coming and how hard it is to get any air in. His entire body hurts, but his chest _burns_. 

Tokiya doesn’t think that he can handle this by himself, and he isn’t sure that he’s going to be able to ignore it until it passes, because he feels like if he keeps going, he’s going to pass out. So with a lot of effort, he’d pull himself to Ren, nearly falling over onto his side, onto Ren, which would wake him up. When Tokiya’s chest is pressed against Ren, he almost feels just a bit better. Enough that he can still pull in enough air to stay conscious, even though he’s no longer on his side. 

“Toki?” Ren’s voice is groggy, and his hand moves to hold on to Tokiya, confused. 

“Can’t-” Tokiya’s voice is hoarse and hardly audible, tears pricking his eyes. “Breathe.” His hand is holding tightly onto Ren’s side, but Tokiya’s raspy response is enough to wake Ren up. One hand would stay, holding onto Tokiya’s, but the other is reaching for his phone. 

“Just stay calm, my love, and try to keep breathing as well as you can. I’m going to call for help.”

Tokiya would listen to Ren’s tone and not his words, trying to keep his shaky breathing calm. His throat feels like it’s closing. 

When Ren gets off of the phone, he pays close attention to Tokiya. When Tokiya stops his labored breathing, Ren carefully rubs his back, encouraging him to just keep trying, a little bit longer. 

Tokiya would spend nearly a week in the hospital. His lungs had swollen and his throat had closed, and even with test after test, they weren’t sure why. 

When Tokiya got home, Ren would have kept him resting. 

Tokiya would have read through the journal, and despite his past self’s recommendation, he wouldn’t have shown Ren the book. He would have decided to give this one last, genuine shot- and less than a year later, they would have split off. 

This time, Tokiya would have convinced himself that he wouldn’t let losing Ren ruin everything. He hadn’t believed himself, when he said that he couldn’t keep Ren, but he did believe himself when he said that this was his last try. 

Tokiya would do his best to not ruin his own life.

Tokiya had been cleaning his closet, less than a year after Ren had left, and he’d find one of Ren’s old shirts, and he’d just hold it in his hands, a sad, dry smile on his face.

It was a shirt that Ren often wore around the house. One that he had owned for years- and had wore back when they were teenagers. It was the shirt that Ren wore to bed in the first few times they had slept in the same bed, before Ren had finally decided to stop sleeping in clothes around Tokiya. 

Tokiya was a bit shocked, that it had taken him this long to find the shirt, hidden in the closet. Or that Ren had forgotten it. 

It would throw him back, to lying in bed with Ren. 

Tokiya often got sentimental when it got late, and Ren used to encourage Tokiya to wake him up if he wanted to talk- because Ren told Tokiya that he was always so sweet when it got late. They had conversations often- both of them truly believing that they’d be together for the rest of their lives. 

Their talks of the future had gotten less and less the longer they had been together- until they just… weren’t. 

When Ren brought up the idea of splitting up, Tokiya had agreed to end things mutually. It was a very calm break up. 

_**We used to be the envy** _   
_**We used to be the talk show** _   
_**We used to be the best thing about this fucking town** _   
_**We used to be the ones who everyone thought would make it** _

Tokiya would have moved to sit on the bed. The table, the dining room table, where Ren and Tokiya had used to eat every night, was unused- other than to hold the empty bottles. 

Tokiya drank more than he’d ever admit. 

When he’s on the bed, the shirt in his hand, he’d smile, his eyes distant. 

Ren and Tokiya had always been magnetic- drawing stares, from anyone who had seen them. Back in high school, they were one of the most well known couples at the school. 

They were very rarely obvious in front of the boys- but Otoya had admitted, back when Ren and Tokiya were together, that the way they looked at each other was adorable. 

Their break up had surprised everyone. Tokiya was sure that back in high school, the other students would have expected them to stay together forever. 

_**Whenever I’m sober, I think to myself** _   
_**It sucks that it’s over, but at least we gave it hell** _

Tokiya would set down the shirt, folded, on his desk. Next time he saw Ren, he’d have to remember to give it to him. 

Tokiya missed Ren- but the relationship they did have was good. All of Tokiya’s best memories with Ren. 

He wishes they were still together- but it was still one of his best experiences.

_**Our friends always gave us shit** _   
_**Of being so in love** _   
_**King and queen of the PDA** _   
_**We kissed until the sun came up** _   
_**And you were gone** _   
_**We never said goodbye** _

The boys never spoke about Ren and Tokiya’s relationship. They were careful to not mention Ren in casual conversation with Tokiya, and to keep it professional when they were both in the conversation. 

That was definitely not how it always had been. 

Otoya liked mentioning how happy they seemed together, and Natsuki liked mentioning how cute they were. 

Masato and Syo were both more of the “get a room” type, and Cecil never really said anything- but his smile, looking at Tokiya and Ren, said enough. 

Tokiya missed nights, lying next to Ren. Ones where they wouldn’t sleep- just wrapped up in each other, speaking in hushed whispers. When Ren would interrupt Tokiya’s incoherent, tired ramblings with a kiss. The only kind of interruption Tokiya never minded. 

Ren had handled the breakup maturely- but when he had left, he had left early in the morning, before Tokiya had woken up. 

Tokiya didn’t mind. He wasn’t sure what he would have told Ren, as he had left. 

And it wasn’t as if they didn’t still see each other. 

_**Time keeps moving on** _   
_**Our chances are all gone** _   
_**To follow through on all we said we’d do** _   
_**So I sing the eulogy** _   
_**To the ghost of you and me** _   
_**And drink another beer** _

At this point, it had been years, since Ren had been gone. 

Tokiya doesn’t see him, now that STARISH has ended, but he thinks that Ren has found someone else. 

They had planned to get married. They were going to travel- to see all kinds of new things together. They were going to get a dog, because Tokiya didn’t trust himself with any other kind of living creature, like a kid. They were going to retire together. 

Tokiya would sit at his dining room table, giving a dry smile to the bottle in front of him. 

He wondered if that was what Ren was doing- with the person he was going to spend his life with. He wonders if Ren had met that person, or if he was going to. Tokiya was sure that Ren wouldn’t have issues finding someone- he was Ren, after all. 

Charming, beautiful, clever and perceptive. 

Tokiya would lift the bottle to his lips. 

Damn, was it nice while it lasted.

_**When I’m not sober** _   
_**I say to myself** _   
_**Maybe I should call her, wish her the best** _   
_**Then I remember we’re over** _

It would take some time for Tokiya to get drunk. 

He was never a light weight- but the more he drank, the more of a resistance he built. 

He thought of Ren a lot, when he wasn’t drunk, but he thought of him more when he was. He was hit by all of the miserable feelings that he ignored when he was sober. 

He’d often pull his phone out, staring at it. 

He’d day dream, about what could happen if he called. And then, even in his drunken state, he’d remember that it wouldn’t. 

Tokiya would check on Ren- but it would only hurt Tokiya. And he didn’t feel like it was his place- not after over a year of no contact at all.

This was his last chance- and it was going like every other chance. 

Tokiya would rest his forehead on the table, letting go of his phone, and one thought would stick with him.

_**And this feels like fucking hell** _


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All You Had To Do Was Stay - Taylor Swift
> 
> (Bad End 3)

_**People like you always want back the love they gave away** _   
_**And people like me wanna believe you when you say you’ve changed.** _   
_**The more I think about it now the less I know** _   
_**All I know is that you drove us off the road** _

Tokiya’s panic would have started soon after he had woken up, entirely disoriented. It wasn’t entirely black, but the shades of grey and the shadows of shapes wasn’t normal. Tokiya would try to fumble for the light, wincing when he would have knocked something on the nightstand over. 

He could feel Ren jolt beside him, and he could feel Ren’s hand on his side. “You okay?” Ren’s voice is a mumble. He still sounds half asleep.

“I can’t see.” Tokiya can’t conceal his panic, or his shaking voice. Tokiya could feel Ren reach over him, and could hear the light turn on. Tokiya can see basic shapes, but the disorientation and confusion still has him fumbling, trying to catch Ren’s hand. Tokiya would manage to hold onto Ren’s forearm. 

Tokiya can hear Ren sit up, and he feels Ren turn him over, his hand resting on Tokiya’s forehead. It felt like his head was splitting apart, but his fear outweighed the pain. “It’s going to be alright, darling.” Ren’s voice is calm, though Tokiya can tell that he’s really focusing on it. “Do you remember doing anything that might have caused this?” Tokiya feels Ren brush his hair back, and he thinks that Ren is looking for any cuts or bruises or bumps. “Did you hit your head?”

“I don’t think so. I don’t know why this is happening.” Tokiya’s voice would break, and Ren would carefully pet through his hair. 

“That’s okay.” Ren’s voice is consoling. “We should get you to a hospital to get you checked out, baby.”

Tokiya would swallow hard, and his agreement is hardly audible. “Okay.” 

Tokiya would hear Ren getting dressed, but when Tokiya would try to get up, he would hear Ren move and feel his hand on his arm. “Just stay there, Toki. I’m just getting dressed and then I’ll help you.”

Tokiya would, but he’d lay back down. He’d press his hands to his head, and when Ren comes over to Tokiya, he’d gently pull Tokiya’s hands away. Ren would have picked Tokiya up, and Tokiya would have simply curled in on himself, cradled against Ren’s chest. 

After nearly a week, Tokiya’s vision would have very slowly begun to return- though the hospital wasn’t sure what had caused it. His vision would have fully returned, but his vision had been damaged enough that he would have needed glasses. Ren would have watched over him for quite some time, making sure that Tokiya wore his glasses, because when he didn’t he’d often get bad headaches. 

Tokiya would have read the book, but he wouldn’t have shown Ren. And in the end, Tokiya would have been plagued again with the hopeless feeling- but he would have been the one to break off the relationship. His biggest mistake had been his dishonesty, breaking up with Ren. 

The cold front he had put on. It was for Tokiya, not for Ren. Because Tokiya didn’t want to let Ren go, and he wasn’t sure that he could have let Ren go if he hadn’t acted cold. Tokiya thought that letting Ren go was best for Ren. 

It would have been nearly a year later when he would have run into Ren. Tokiya didn’t often leave his home, but he had to go get food, and he’d have run into Ren on the way. 

“It’s been a long time, Tokiya.” Ren’s voice is soft. 

Too long. Tokiya would have changed his answer. 

“It has.” Tokiya would pause, and he’d look away. “Perhaps this is too presumptuous of me- but do you think we could grab lunch?”

“We could do that.” Ren would watch Tokiya’s face. “Would now work?”

Tokiya would blink, but he’d nod. “I’m free.”

“I know a place near here. Shall we?”

Tokiya and Ren would have made their way to the restaurant, and he’s undeniably nervous. When they would have sat together, across the table from each other, Ren would have been much better at maintaining eye contact. 

“How have you been, Toki?”

“Honestly?” Tokiya didn’t look well. He had gotten back into the habit of drinking, and he didn’t sleep well, too lost in his thoughts to get any rest. “Not… great. How have you been?”

Ren’s expression changes, only slightly. If Tokiya hadn’t known him as well as he had, he may have missed the sad look in Ren’s eyes. “It’s… been going.”

Tokiya would have gotten quiet for a long moment, staring into his glass of water. His voice would come out quiet and distant. “Do you think I made the wrong choice?”

“I’m sorry, Tokiya.” Ren’s voice is grim. “But I think you did.”

_**Stay, hey, all you had to do was stay** _   
_**Had me in the palm of your hand** _   
_**Then, why’d you have to go and lock me out when I let you in** _   
_**Stay, hey, now you say you want it back** _   
_**Now that it’s just too late** _   
_**Well, could’ve been easy** _   
_**All you had to do was stay** _

Tokiya would have been quiet, but he would have nodded. Ren’s voice would have been quiet when he had spoken. 

“It’s too late now. I just… I wish you would have stayed, Tokiya. I wish you would have stayed and talked to me.”

_**Here you are now, calling me up, but I don’t know what to say** _   
_**I’ve been picking up all the pieces of the mess you made** _   
_**People like you always want back the love you pushed aside** _   
_**But people like me are gone forever when you say goodbye** _

“Did I hurt you when I left, Ren?” Tokiya’s voice is almost childlike. 

Ren would have finally looked away, and he’d have sighed. “It was hard.”

“So I did.”

“...Yes.” 

“Then I’m sorry.”

Tokiya would have bowed his head. He could feel tears burning his eyes, but he wouldn’t have let himself cry. 

Was it really just as easy as staying and trying to make it work? Hadn’t that _not_ worked before?

But maybe it could have been different.

Ren had mentioned talking to him. 

Tokiya’s giving up may have been the final nail in his coffin. 

_**Let me remind you this was what you wanted** _   
_**You ended it** _   
_**You were all I wanted** _   
_**But not like this** _

“I’m not saying this to be cruel, Tokiya.” Ren’s voice is sad, but he’s looking at Tokiya. “I’m saying this because I hope that it might help you, if you find yourself in this situation again. I wanted to make this work as much as I think you did- but I needed you to talk to me. I only know what you tell me. And when you tell me we’re done, and you don’t even tell me why…” Ren would frown, “What either of us wanted doesn’t matter, if we don’t know what that is. I really hope that you find someone that makes you happy. You’re a wonderful person, Tokiya- I just hope that you remember that you need to be honest. You’re hard to read, you know.” Ren would give a sad smile. 

Tokiya wished he would have stayed. 

Try again?  
Go To Chapter Fifteen


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How You Get The Girl - Taylor Swift
> 
> (Good End 2)

_**Stand there like a ghost, shaking from the rain** _   
_**She’ll open up the door** _   
_**And say are you insane** _

Tokiya would wake up with a blinding pain in his head. He’d curl up, into the fetal position, pressing his wrists to his temples and pressing down hard, hoping to relieve the pain with the pressure. At first, he wouldn’t have gotten Ren’s attention, but then Tokiya would have sobbed, and Ren would have shifted, waking up. His hand would land on Tokiya’s side. 

“Baby? What’s going on?”

“I’m going to be sick.” Tokiya’s voice would crack. That wasn’t an answer, but his sobbing was getting him dangerously close to throwing up. Ren would react quickly, getting up from bed and grabbing a trash can on the way to Tokiya. Tokiya would have grabbed it from Ren when Ren had gotten close enough, and Ren would help Tokiya sit up as he got sick. Ren would rub Tokiya’s back, but when Tokiya is done throwing up, he’d lie back down, and Ren would take the trash can to set it down besides the bed. “My head hurts.” Tokiya would finally say, “A really, really bad migraine.”

“You never get migraines.” Ren says, though his voice has turned soft and quiet. “If it’s this bad, maybe we should take you to the ER.”

Tokiya would hesitate for a long moment. “Okay.”

“It must be bad.” Tokiya’s answer would have only increased Ren’s concern. Ren would quickly move to get dressed, and he’d get Tokiya’s slippers before he’d help Tokiya out of bed. Tokiya would have buried his face into Ren’s side, because light hurt, and Ren would lead him to the car. 

Tokiya would be in the hospital for three days, because they’d have kept him until his pain had finally lessened. Ren would have hovered over him for the first day he was back, keeping the lights low and checking on his pain levels often. 

It wouldn’t have been until a few days later that Tokiya would have finally read the book, and would have decided not to show Ren. 

And that’s why everything would go the same. Tokiya wouldn’t have been able to keep himself together, and Ren wouldn’t have stayed. 

And that’s how Tokiya would have wound up in front of Ren’s home, half a year after Ren had left him. It was already a cold night, and the rain was harsh and bitter, and Tokiya had walked to Ren’s home- too determined to be off put by the weather. 

Tokiya had wanted to ask for Ren back- and this was the first time he had decided that he _would_. He knew that it was a risk- he knew that Ren likely wouldn’t take him back, but Tokiya had to try. 

When Ren opens the door, his expression would turn shocked. “Tokiya?” Ren would frown, and he’d grab Tokiya by the arm, pulling him inside. “You’re soaked. Did you _walk here_ in this storm?”

_**Say it’s been a long six months** _   
_**And you were too afraid to tell her what you want** _

Tokiya is trembling, and he isn’t sure how much of it is the weather, and how much of it is fear to hear Ren’s answer. He knew that Ren wouldn’t get angry at him- because that was never the type of person Ren was. But even if Ren let him down easy, Tokiya was terrified that he was going to be rejected. “I needed to talk to you, Ren.”

Ren would sigh. “Next time, you should give me a phone call before you get yourself sick.” Ren would lead him further inside. “We can talk, but you need to get out of those wet clothes first. I’ll give you an outfit to borrow.”

“I… don’t know that I’m staying very long, Ren, I’m not sure-” 

Ren would cut Tokiya off with a look that would _almost_ surprise Tokiya. Tokiya didn’t miss being scolded by Ren, but it still came from a place of concern, and that was what Tokiya missed. Ren caring about him. But it wasn’t enough to give Tokiya hope, because Ren was a caring person, and even Tokiya couldn’t fool himself into believing that Ren hated him. 

“I’m not going to let you walk back home in that.” Ren’s voice is disapproving. “If you insist on leaving, I’ll call you a car- but I’d prefer if you just spent the night here. But either way, you’re shivering. We need to get you in something warm and dry.”

Ren would have given Tokiya a pair of sweatpants, and a hoodie- one of the very few that Ren owned. Tokiya would have bowed his head in thanks and would have tried to change quickly. When he exits, Ren is sitting on the couch. 

“So what did you want to talk to me about?” Ren’s voice is gentle. Tokiya thinks that he might know why Tokiya is there. Tokiya would sit next to Ren. 

“This past half a year has felt like a lifetime.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet, to keep it from breaking. “And this is the kind of conversation I should have had with you back then. I was just… I was scared. I was scared to talk to you because I was afraid that I wouldn’t say it right.”

_**And that’s how it works** _   
_**That’s how you get the girl** _

Tokiya would pause, wringing his hands together. It’s hard, speaking to Ren, because he’s still afraid. 

He’s afraid that it isn’t going to matter.

Tokiya wasn’t sure exactly how he expected Ren to be reacting- perhaps he expected to see a look of sadness. Or indifference. 

Ren’s face is neither. It’s patient. He’s letting Tokiya talk, and he’s listening. 

Tokiya thinks he can even see a little bit of hope.

_**And then you say** _   
_**I want you for worse or for better** _   
_**I would wait for ever and ever** _   
_**Broke your heart, I’ll put it back together** _

“I miss you, Ren. I know that I was the one that ruined us, and from the bottom of my heart I’m sorry for that. I was so worried about what might happen, and so focused on the ending that I didn’t appreciate the fact that I had you and you suffered for that. I can’t expect you to come back- but I needed to tell you that I’m sorry. I… I do want to make it right, and I would wait forever to get a chance to do that. I want to prove to you that I could make you happy, and treat you the way that you deserve to be treated.” Tokiya would swallow hard. “I hurt you, and I want to be the one to make it better.”

_**Remind her how it used to be** _   
_**With pictures in frames of kisses on cheeks** _   
_**Tell her how you must have lost your mind** _   
_**When you left her all alone and never told her why** _   
_**And that’s how it works** _   
_**That’s how you lost the girl** _

“It really was the worst mistake I made. Distancing myself, and not talking to you. I… after I lost you- I can’t wrap my head around how I let myself lose sight of how much you mean to me. I like to believe we were happy. And I think that I ruined that. That’s inexcusable. But I was just… I was wrong. I wanted to keep us together, and I wanted us both to stay happy- and I messed it up. I just wanted to be with you.” Tokiya’s voice would break on his last sentence, and he’d glance away. “So maybe I don’t deserve to ask for you back, but I think that if we tried again, we would be able to get back to when we were happy- and this time I’d just… talk to you. Instead of pretending like nothing was wrong.”

Tokiya would wipe at his eyes, trying to keep himself from crying.

“I keep telling you I’m sorry- I just… I wish I knew a way to show you that I mean it.”

 _ **”Say you want me.”**_ There are a lot of emotions on Ren’s face, but there’s a soft smile there, too. “And show me that you do.”

“Are you-?” Tokiya’s expression is hopeful, but cautious. A doe-eyed expression. 

“I want to give us another chance, too, Toki.” 

Tokiya would move, throwing his arms around Ren in a tight hug. He could feel tears, trailing down his cheeks. Ren would wrap his arms back around Tokiya, rubbing his back. 

“I do want you, Ren. God, do I want you. I promise that I’m going to make this work. No matter what.”

_**And that’s how it works** _   
_**That’s how you got the girl** _


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Never Gonna Leave This Bed - Maroon Five
> 
> (Good End 3)

When Tokiya went home, he would have found the book. He would have taken it, and he would have sat down at the desk, opening it. 

He wouldn’t have written his entire story. All he would have written was that he needed to talk, and he needed to _stay_.

“Are ya sure about that?” Tokiya would have jumped, turning around quickly. The man from the roof was in his bedroom, leaning against the wall. 

“How-?” Tokiya would have gotten to his feet, alarmed. 

“If you restart your life again, y’might not make it.”

“I have to try. It’s worth the risk.”

“Y’realize that you’re gonna die in that bed if you do, right?”

“Of course I don’t want that. So I just… I won’t.”

“If you survive, there’s no tellin’ what you’re gonna go through.”

“Why are you trying so hard to convince me not to do this? I’ve already written in the book.”

The man would sigh. “I don’t think you know what you’re gettin’ yourself into.” 

“I don’t either, but I have to try.” Tokiya would swallow hard, trying to blink back his tears. He would make his way to the bed, lying down. The man wouldn’t leave, but he wouldn’t talk. Tokiya would look forward, onto the night stand, and he’d look at his glasses. He hadn’t worn them since Ren had left. 

Tokiya would have trouble falling asleep, but when he wakes up, he’s met with an insane amount of pain. Tokiya’s hand would find his chest. He knew that not all heart attacks were necessarily this painful- but he was fighting for his life. The pain was spreading, especially heavy in his arm and his jaw. 

“Ren?” Tokiya’s voice is panicked, hoarse. Ren would have woken up, reaching out tiredly for Tokiya. 

“Baby?” His voice is groggy. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m having a heart attack.” Tokiya was sure of it. 

“What?” Ren would be awake now, already reaching for his phone. He can hear Ren calling the emergency number, getting an ambulance to their apartment. As soon as he had made the call, his focus would return to Tokiya. 

Tokiya’s breathing feels like it’s labored, and his eyes are tearing up. “I’m scared.” His voice is a whimper. 

“Help is on the way, my love. You’re going to be okay.”

Ren would stroke Tokiya’s hair, making sure that Tokiya stays breathing, until Tokiya would be taken to the hospital. 

Tokiya would be stuck there for nearly a week, and Ren would be very serious about watching over Tokiya when they got back. 

_**You push me, I don’t have the strength to** _   
_**Resist or control you** _   
_**So take me down** _

Tokiya remembered his last life, as if he had just lived it. He guesses that he did. But when he had gotten home, he hadn’t seen the book anywhere. 

That question would have been answered when Ren would have entered the room, only a few days after Tokiya had gotten home, and he’d be holding Tokiya’s glasses. 

Tokiya had realized that his poor vision had carried over, and his headaches, too, but even if he had known his glasses _had_ come over, he had no intentions of wearing them. 

Ren would have opened the glasses, sliding them onto Tokiya’s face. “You really should wear these.” Ren’s voice is gentle. 

“How did-?” Tokiya’s eyes are wide. 

“I’ll tell you, but just promise me that you’ll stay calm, alright?” Ren would sit down next to Tokiya on the couch, taking Tokiya’s hand. Tokiya looks unsure, but he’d nod. 

Ren would sigh. “I found the book, Toki. The leather journal you’ve been writing in.” Ren’s face would turn genuinely upset. 

“I’m sorry, Ren, I just wanted us to work.” Tokiya’s expression turns almost scared. 

“That’s not what I’m worried about, honey.” Ren’s expression is serious. “You’ve been so sick, Toki. You could have died. I’m… I’m sorry, Toki, but I can’t give it back to you.”

“How do you know so much about it?” Tokiya is confused. 

“There was a note in it. It wasn’t in your hand writing, but they told me about your glasses, and about how every time you use the book, you get another chance but you get worse, every time you use it.” Ren’s voice would break. “Part of it was a warning. That you might not make it. That you really pushed it.” Ren would have moved, to hold Tokiya. “I can’t let you do it again. It doesn’t sound like there’s a chance you’d survive another go at this. You had a heart attack, baby, and you’re still in your _twenties_.”

“I think I figured it out.” Tokiya would say quietly. “I hope I won’t need it.”

“Tell me.” Ren’s voice is still serious. “Tell me what you figured out.”

_**You hurt me, but do I deserve this** _   
_**You make me so nervous** _   
_**Calm me down** _

Tokiya knows his answer, but he’d still feel a wave of nervousness wash over him, and Ren would notice, rubbing Tokiya’s back, his voice turning gentle. “I’m not trying to scold, you, baby. I… I want you to understand as much as I know that you want to. We’ve never had this conversation before, but I think that maybe we should have,”

“I know I need to talk to you.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. “And I know that I can’t leave. Or push you out.”

“Then we’re on exactly the same page.” Ren would reassure, pressing a kiss to Tokiya’s temple. “Because that’s exactly what we both need to do to make sure that we work.”

_**Wake you up in the middle of the night to say** _   
_**I will never walk away again** _   
_**I’m never gonna leave this bed** _

It would have been a few nights later when Tokiya wouldn’t have been able to sleep. He would have carefully, gently put his hand on Ren’s shoulder, and his voice is unsure, and soft. “Ren?”

Ren’s eyes would flutter open, and he’d catch Tokiya’s hand as Tokiya would begin to pull it away, pressing a soft kiss to Tokiya’s knuckles. “Are you okay, baby?”

“I’m sorry to wake you up.” Tokiya would have carefully moved closer, and Ren would have sleepily wrapped his arms around him. “I’m not… hurt, or anything, I just-”

“If you need to tell me something, you can tell me.”

“I never want to leave you.” Tokiya’s voice is soft. Ren would pull Tokiya closer, and he’d rest his chin on top of Tokiya’s head. “I just want us both to be happy, and I want to spend every night next to you.”

Ren is smiling. Tokiya doesn’t need to see his face. “I feel exactly the same way, baby. I want to spend every night in this bed with you for the rest of our lives.”

_**So come here and never leave this place** _   
_**Perfection of your face** _   
_**Slows me down** _   
_**So fall down, I need you to trust me** _   
_**Go easy don’t rush me** _

The next time that Tokiya had gotten upset, Ren would have caught him around the waist and held him. Tokiya would have turned in his arms, but would have stopped, anything he had wanted to say gone, when he had seen Ren’s face. 

In the best of times, and the worst of times, Ren could make Tokiya entirely speechless. 

“Please don’t go, Toki.”

Tokiya would have swallowed, his upset fading, replaced by something akin to guilt. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I won’t.”

“Why don’t we go lie down?”

“Okay.” Tokiya’s voice is a bit quiet, but he’d follow Ren into the bedroom, Ren never letting go of his waist. When they would lie down, Tokiya would rest his head on Ren’s shoulder, trying to keep himself calm. “I don’t know why I keep doing this.” Tokiya would say quietly. “But I wasn’t going to leave for good.”

“I believe you.” Ren would assure. “It’s alright to be upset. It’s going to take time. For now- you stayed. And that’s good enough.”

_**You say go** _   
_**It isn’t working** _   
_**And I say no** _   
_**It isn’t perfect, so I’ll stay instead** _   
_**I’m never gonna leave this bed** _

“I’m never going to get it.” Tokiya would snap. “It’s not ever going to work. Why would you stay here just to be miserable with me? I’m destined to fail Ren, only this time I’m taking you with me.”

“It isn’t perfect.” Ren would say. He would step forward, and he would wrap Tokiya up tightly in his arms. “But I’m not going to let you leave. Not like this. Stay with me, Toki. That’s all you have to do. We can fix all of this together- but I want you to come lay down with me. It’s never going to work if we don’t give it a try.”

Tokiya would start to cry, and Ren would only hold him tighter. “We can make this work.” Ren would assure. 

“Am I even right to ask you that it does?”

“This is your last ending, Toki. You deserve a good one.”

Tokiya’s grip would tighten on Ren’s shirt, and he’d let out a shaky breath. “Okay. I’ll come back to bed.”


End file.
